Meow

2010-12-07T12:33:00.000-08:00

my blog meow has moved to http://johnryangallagher.tumblr.com/ and i do this weird thing where i write letters to celebrities: http://fanletters.tumblr.com/ i'd love it if you wouldn't mind saving those to your favorites.

love, J.R.

p.s. wear a rubbah.

2010-08-16T15:44:00.001-07:00

fifty things that i love about newburyport (parts one through ten)
by john ryan gallagher

the devil's den is a limestone quarry that's like a cave. it's way out in the woods of newbury and took me years to find. it's now quite overgrown, but at one time it was a tourist attraction (see postcard below) on the old boston/newburyport turnpike. there's a long history of kids going there to do bad things. it hosts a variety of interesting devil/motley crue graffiti and is part of ould newbury's satan trifecta: the devil's den, the devil's basin, and the devil's pulpit. there was even a sign for the devil's pulpit, but i think it was wiped out in the great windstorm of '10. good luck finding this place.

abraham's bagels on liberty street has the second best bagels in the world. (the first goes to terrace bagels in park slope, brooklyn. the new york times even calls terrace the best bagel in nyc.) abe's bagels take me over the rainbow. i especially love to grab one en route to post 13 (see reason #9).

jumping off indian rock into the merrimack river proves to be both awesome and also dangerous. it is strictly prohibited. i did it once naked. the next morning i woke up with someone else's boxer shorts on. damn. another time i did it and got caught in a dangerous current. these kids made a human chain to save me. later that day one of the girls we were with put a live baby mouse in her mouth.

ice skating on the mall is picturesque. the mall (pronounced MAL), however, is notorious for being a spot that encourages people to do bad things (are you sensing a pattern here?). on three different occasions groups of teens broke into the same tomb (the pierce tomb) in the adjacent cemetery. what's weird is that each group of vandals had no previous knowledge of the similar activity. each time (the 1920's, the 1980's, and the '00's) the groups dressed in garments of the deceased. on the last occasion ('05), one of the hoodlums posed for a cell phone picture with one of the skulls. a rumor states that all of the secret underground tunnels in the city lead to the mall. there's a haunted jailhouse nearby as well. the now defunct kelley school used the mall as their gymnasium. don't let anyone tell you differently. kickball was invented there. i went to the kelley school and it was amazing. in the first grade we all got to make pins. i made mine say, 'i love dorchester'. my teacher, artist christine johnson, raised a serious eyebrow to that one.

supposedly captain kidd buried treasure on plum island. details and accounts of this vary and may inevitably prove to be false. if i had to guess, i'd say it's buried somewhere around the highest location of sandy point. there's a secret mini tower there that not too many people know about. i've always dreamt about finding this treasure.

ever since i was a dumb little boy, i've enjoyed walking down to the grog in snowstorms and having a grog burger. it's very cozy in there during blizzards. i can also attest to contributing some serious delinquency here. one of the things i love about the grog is that they immortalize the former town drunk, duncan chase. he died in 1980. he used to say, 'i'm a cool cool cat' (it's literally his epitaph) and then he'd meow. kinda like me. he used to sweep the floor of the grog for beer. i would have done that. he was a nuisance and everyone seemed to dislike him, but as soon as he died, they missed him. it's funny how life works that way. i wonder if people will do the same for larry the weeper when he bites the berry. he goes to every wake in town, hence the title, 'the weeper'.

the brand new rail trail takes you from the train depot to the gillis bridge. my friends and i have always called it the dobie gillis bridge. it's actually named after some guy named bossy gillis who was mayor in town seven times. i'm so happy the city has created this excellent recreational spot. the trail continues on the other side of the dobie gillis bridge but as of right now, you have to cross route one to proceed. good luck with that.

we say 'yeat' to pretty much everything. it's our own word and we are proud of it. it can be a positive expression when you see one of your bros, or it can be negative when someone irritates you. seen on bumper stickers, t shirts, and echoed through the schools and barrooms, the word supposedly originated from the civil war, but who knows. it even found its way into urbandictionary.com. yeat.

post 13, salisbury beach (aka beacon street) is where we all go to the beach in the summer. you'd think we'd all go to plum island (as it's about six minutes closer), but post 13 has free parking and less of an undertow. in the winter i dream about this place. if the weather is nice as you are reading this, then i am probably there. lots of pretty girls and waves and party times.

the thirsty whale is my favorite bar in town. it is one of the few yuppie free zones left. every time i go there 'season of wither' by aerosmith comes on. wtf? way back in the day this place was a gay bar. as a kid i was scared to walk by 'the whale'. rightfully so - those were different times. i was probably more afraid to walk by jake's cafe which, sadly, is gone. they had their last call in '99. that place had a pornographic disney mural on the wall. can i get another wtf?

click this for more on the pierce tomb: http://bit.ly/cfxxRK
special thanks to patrica gallagher, meg manion silliker, bluelime photo, www.nbptma.com, and www.boudillion.com, and you for reading. ten more things coming next week.

2010-08-16T15:43:00.004-07:00

fifty things i love about newburyport (parts 11-20)
by john ryan gallagher

for more than two hundred years lord timothy dexter has been our town’s premier crazy-fxcker. a bit of a neanderthal, dexter moved to newburyport as a young man and began a trade as leather dresser. he married a wealthy widow and convinced her to buy him that big house on high street. for someone without any sort of formal schooling, he had outrageous luck in financial gambles and investments. perhaps someone from the future went back in time and gave him some of these ideas. he dabbled in coal, mollasses, and even traded stray cats, all fruitful endeavors. because of his dumb successes and general stupidity, almost everyone in town hated him - even his family. dexter hated them back, particularly his wife, whom he told people had died. when they reported to him that they had seen her alive, he told them that what they had seen was her ghost. he decorated his yard with peculiar statues, and when he was fifty, he wrote a book A Pickle for the Knowing Ones or Plain Truth in a Homespun Dress. he delivered this gem without any punctuation or spelling corrections. eventually the book became very popular and on a subsequent edition he included an extra page with all the eliminated punctuation. he told readers they could ‘peper and solt it as they plese’. then he faked his own death with intentions of appearing as a ghost, but when his wife didn’t cry at his funeral, he blew his cover and freaked out on her. we’ve spent close to two hundred years honoring this loveable numbnuts and i like that about this town.

i don’t know why hodgies has the largest ice creams in the world, but i always enjoy taking friends from out of town there and conning them into getting a size small. for some reason i like to pronounce the place ‘ho-gees’. it’s always great to take a ride over there, but i’m more a fan of graham’s ice cream on state street. on your way to hodgies is the one of the most difficult mini golf courses in the world. jurassic mini golf in salisbury has been recognized by many publications and television programs for just this. we usually play for money when we go. lately i’ve been having gelato downtown and taking it over to the boardwalk and looking out onto the river/harbor. it’s weird how the view never gets old. i could never get tired of looking out there.

atkinson common is a great place to cause trouble. it has an eerie and seductive air to it at night. there’s a beautiful tower in the middle that’s been closed since i can remember. at one point my friends and i were set to bribe a city official for the key to the tower’s gate, but somehow the plan never materialized. we’re still on the ground looking up, resenting the place and the city for not letting us in. one time my friend tom and i drank two cases of beer in atkinson playing some strange version of frisbee golf that we made up. we were too lazy to learn the real rules. when i was a kid i saw a fellow classmate swim in the man-made pond in the park. we all saw his weird human skin tale when he did this.

old town hill is haunted. a psychic told me so. one time matt and i had a fire up there, and i guess we didn’t extinguish it properly because a friend of ours from the newbury fire department had to go and put it out the next morning. he had to hike up there during a heat wave with a hundred pound water pack on his back. we were in big trouble! we didn’t see any ghosts that night, but our friend was pissed and somehow knew it was us. i can’t tell you how he knew.

port taxi has gotta be responsible for saving thousands of lives. one time they told me i couldn’t bring my dog in the cab, so i lied and said i was blind and that it was a seeing eye dog. i think that was the night i lost my mother’s car and upon waking up the next morning had no idea where it was. that was probably one of the top ten angriest times she’s been with me. when i was in high school i had to take that cab a lot and one night these two bastards got in at the neptunes (they were en route to jake’s) and totally lost their shit and fought one another in the back seat. i was real scared. we’ve put so many of our friends in those things in all forms of inebriation, and the port taxi always smiles and gets them home safe and sound.

high rock is a spot on the salisbury side of the merrimack where you can jump from a high distance into the river. it’s pretty much only accesible by boat, but on low tide you can walk out there from behind cinema 95. i’ve never trekked out that way but everyone says it’s real ‘sketch’. a few summers ago kids were partying on high rock, and they turned on this kid and pushed him into a fire and then surrounded the pit so that the victim couldn’t get out. people party pretty hard around here. be careful if you go.

everyone knows that the best place to sled in town is march’s hill. if you go to the very top of the hill (by the water tower), there’s a chute called ‘chinatown’ that is a sheer drop off down onto the old train bed. you really earn your wings if you can sled chinatown. the traditional section of march’s hill sledding is scary enough as it is. i still get a kick out of going by on snow days and seeing all the kids flying down. we usually go at night now. one time dylan and i went with sam, and she bumped her head and acted like she was concussed. in the summertime march’s used to be a party spot, but the cops caught on real fast.

the summer of 2003 was magnificent because they opened up all the beaches on plum island. it was amazing. girls were going topless, there were enormous parties, and it was like ibiza in massachusetts. let me explain a few things to you real quick if you aren’t from newburyport: this place is home to so many different types of beautiful bird species. i like them. one of these said species is the piping plover. there’s like six actual plovers that live on the reservation at plum island. they close four miles of our beaches year round for these birds. look, i promise you that i’m a tree hugging liberal until the day i die, but i can’t say as though i don’t resent these mf’n birds sometimes. once i was at post 13, and i swear a flock of them flew there just to taunt my friends and me. the moral of the story is that plum island’s beaches rule and that summer of ‘03 ruled, and i’d love to have another one like it. even the weather cooperated that summer.

one of my favorite days of the year is old fashioned sunday. for a few years i’ve been working on a pair of shoes that i’m going to submit to the dirty sneaker contest. i hope i win. i should… these things are nasty. one of the things i like the most about old fashioned sunday is that you get to see people swim in the mall. even if you paid me in the hundreds, and with lobsters and strippers, i still wouldn’t put a toe in that water. i think we might have paid this neighborhood kid named skeletor to swim out to the middle once. the muster takes place here as well on old fashioned sunday and naturally i root for the neps.

one of the things i love about newburyport is that though many things in town have changed, so much has stayed the same. i love hearing the guy say, ‘hahbuh taws, now boardin’. the harbor tour is great. what’s even better is the huge statue the guy has in front of ‘not your average joe’s’. it’s a chainsaw wood carving that is attached to hundreds of pounds of cement so that people don’t steal it again. presumably, the first one was taken and thrown into the river. i had a friend once take a pile of mushrooms and claim they didn’t work. he then proceeded to walk three miles home to his house in the north end from the joppa flats. when he got to the (original) statue, he realized the mushrooms did, in fact, work because the wooden man began talking to him. a few days later when that first statue disappeared and everyone wondered who and why anyone would steal it, my friend quietly said to me, ‘nobody stole that thing. it probably just walked away’. harbor tours replaced the statue, however, someone came along and painted the face black.

click dis to read 1-10: http://bit.ly/18SpfJ (above) photo credit: meg manion silliker thank you for reading! ten more coming next week.

2010-08-16T15:43:00.003-07:00

fifty things that i love about newburyport (pts 21-30)
by john ryan gallagher

the ’old highway’ used to host enormous keggers when we were in high school. to find the party spot you had to walk down the abandoned lanes from hale street (parallel to I-95) until you saw a gigantic graffiti penis which pointed you in the direction of the festivities. within a few hours the cops would come and everyone would run. it was all good fun. now there’s a sweet trail which takes you to the old highway from storey ave. it’s cool there. other famous party spots in newburyport included ‘the (mosely) pines’, cherry hill, march’s hill, and our favorite, ‘the dam’, the site of my first ever drunk.

the garrison inn is haunted. billy joel slept there. william lloyd garrison was one of the pioneers for ending slavery. his controversial newspaper ‘the abolitionist’ was significant. the inn is named in his honor along with the square in which it is situated. there are two or three ghosts that supposedly occupy the basement. read more: http://bit.ly/9D6ztu

there’s some good pizza in newburyport. as much as i hate big business and chain restaurants, papa ginos has my favorite. the upper crust now comes in at a close second. in reality the two are like apples and oranges. honorable mentions go to nick’s, the pizza factory, leo’s, park lunch, and famous. i can’t not mention beach pizza in salisbury, which i may love even more than some members of my family. i prefer tripoli’s over christie’s. it has a sweeter sauce. i have to get it with extra cheese and i prefer a corner piece. i knew these guys that used to do this thing called ‘the four corners’. they’d get four from christies, then four from tripoli’s, and then four from the other two pizza joints across the boulevard. i don’t know how these guys ate that much pizza without their asses falling off.

taking a loved one or a prospective play partner to the gates of hell often serves as an appetizing aphrodisiac. something about being scared makes people horny. this legendary haunted spot scares the shit out of people. maudsley state park can be extremely creepy at times. i’ve heard all sorts of tales about satanic stuff in maudsley. supposedly if you look at the trails from the sky, they mark out some weird devil symbols. the most terrifying thing that ever happened to me in maudsley was the time our pedophile computer teacher followed me and some friends around on our bikes. he didn’t get us, but the three of us were shitting bricks.

for me the tannery has always seemed like ground zero for the arts in newburyport: dance, art, music, theater studios, bakeries, massage parlors, and one of the finest mom and pop bookstores in the country (jabberwocky). i saw greg moss naked there once. he wrote a terrific play about newburyport. his dad has a knack for communicating and understanding his students more than any other educator i have encountered. you really got the impression that he listened and learned from his pupils. pa and son moss are two good guys who i’ve been fortunate to learn from.

my favorite place for lunch in town is the carryout cafe. they make me this roast beef wrap that has some sort of cheese in it that zens me the fxck out. the carryout is in the same lot as the former italian restaurant, labadinis. i heard that some guy got shot in the nuts in that parking lot in the ‘70’s. damn.

our friend mickey kept getting banned from michael’s harborside for entire summers because he would jump off the deck into the river below. he’d walk up the steps the following year, and they’d look at him and say, ‘don’t do it again’. he’d smile and act as though he wasn’t going to, and then a few hours later you’d hear a huge splash followed by applause. he didn’t need the place. i thought that shit was so cool. i might do it this summer.

in the spring there’s a place you can (illegally) swim at the end of curzon mill road. i don’t know if it’s an old wives’ tale or not, but supposedly there’s a snapping turtle in that water that is the size of a volkswagon. he eats toes and and ears. i like him.

surfcasting at night on the point is one of the best things about newburyport. you can build a fire and hang with your bros and swim and stay up all night. i watched a meteor shower there in ‘03 on cliquot champagne (among other things). the sky was majestic. it was like star wars. plum island shore has to be one of the best places in the world to watch the sun rise. i always say it’s one of the few things in life you can always count on. i’ve never caught anything fishing out there, and i’ve been out there on countless occasions. who knows? maybe there aren’t even any fish in those waters. who cares? always be wary of the tide and keep your wits while you are there.

one of the things that we’re great at in newburyport is inventing colorful/alternate names for points of interest and businesses. some examples include ‘tendercrap’ for tendercrop farm, the barf coral for the beef coral (which is now the courtyard, but everyone still calls it the barf coral), the twat lot for the tot lot, loser’s circle for the winner’s circle, etc. i won’t even tell you what we call lunt and kelleys hardware.

(above) photo by the lovely amelia gromley. thanks to josh pritchard, pgal3, jim sonia, etc. part four coming in two weeks! click dis: http://bit.ly/18SpfJ to read parts I and II.

2010-08-16T15:43:00.001-07:00

ten things that i love about newburyport (pts 31-40)
by john ryan gallagher

the other night i went out on a boat with my bros in pursuit of a great white shark spotted at the mouth of the merrimack river. we did not see the beast, but we did claim five lobsters from the captain of the sea brown's traps. they tasted delicious as we ate them in the rain on the public dock. ray the razor showed up and wouldn't leave us alone. he was drinking a coors light wrapped in tinfoil. i told the captain that i'd built a deck with the razor, and that it was the most fucked up day of my life. the captain told me that he could understand because he'd spent three minutes talking to the guy, and those were three of the weirdest minutes of his life. it was hard to shake the razor. after that we went and played darts, and i broke the board at the thirsty whale. i break everything. then we took the boat to the strip club kittens. the management said that no one had ever done that. it was really hard to do, and it's only possible during a very high tide and with a very determined mind. we saw roddy there and we'd just seen him downtown. he thought i was yanking his chain when i told him we had ridden a boat there. then the mc at the club announced what we'd done. honestly, i hadn't been that proud of myself in a long time. sad. this goth/hot topic kinda stripper did this thing where she'd bend over and make her butthole reappear and then disappear. we had to go in a matter of minutes to beat the tide. it was the least amount of money i've ever dropped in a titty bar visit. then we jumped off high rock in our underwear. it wasn't nearly as homo erotic as it sounds. i was afraid of the eels and/or the jellyfish that have been inhabiting our river. we made it to last call at the whale just in the nick of time. linc kept striking out with girls because his tired vibe was turning them off. he passed out on the boat only minutes later as we cruised back to the marina. i sniped a picture and put it on the internet. the true hero of this tale is the city of newburyport for making all of this possible in only a small span of hours. i don't think there's another place on earth where you could have all of these unique adventures. it was a night reminiscent of both 'stand by me' and 'the hangover'. it was remarkable.

people everywhere love to complain. new englanders have a gracious knack for this pastime. luckily newburyport gives you plenty of things to complain about: the fxckin' greenheads, the tourists, yuppies, the guy that looks like jesus who wins all the damn road races, traffic, driving in west newbury, yankme homecoming, the bridge is up, etc. without these things we'd lose a part of communal spirit.

last week our city lost one of our more intriguing residents, frances dalton. fran was born frank but made the crossover to womanhood in the latter part of his life. as a kid i would see her at breakfast in kathy anne's and also enjoy her work featured on the restaurant walls. fran was a talented photographer and artist. she had an enormous heart and gave to those in need. it was fran that spearheaded the campaign to have duncan chase's body back to newburyport and to have a tombstone erected (see #6 for more info on chase). what i've enjoyed reading the most about this honorary citizen, is the way in which this humble city accepted her. it makes me proud to live in a place that honors and accepts diversity.

sloshing through maudsley state park on a pair of cross country skis is cool, sober fun but doesn''t necessarily demand you be so. i love when the snow hangs out on the tree branches and it feels like you're gliding through a painting.

west newbury has a lot of great backroads to tool around on. we call them the 'bakey roads' because they are often utilized for blazing green grass with your amigos. crane neck street connects to forest street in byfield but just barely. we went all the way through one night IN THE WINTER in this girl's mother's nissan xtera. we were literally driving through the parker river. i don't recommend attempting this in anything but an atv or submarine even. that crane neck wildlife area is 'the shit', but getting stuck in the mud or flood would be more like being in shit than anything else. not to mention you're in the middle of nowhere and i doubt cell phones work out there. it's probably as remote a spot you can find in all of the merrmiack valley. i think i asked someone what goes on out there before i'd ever been, and i think 'rape' was the response i got.

only in a backwardass place like newburyport would we name our northern section of town 'the south end' and vice versa. the so. end is awesome, and i like how close the houses are to one another. i'm also fond of the hordes of cats that roam the neighborhood streets at night, fighting and fucking. i like walking through around suppertime and smelling what everyone is cooking. i like looking inside the windows and seeing what people are watching on television. the south end is definitely the sexiest neighborhood in town.

pigeons in market square give the city an urban flare. many call them rats with wings. i don't. i consider them to be an integral part of our city. how come you never see pigeons in the middle of the woods or say, up in the white mountains? what is it about pigeons that lures the crazies? is it one of those things where they identify with these pests? how great was that nutter that used to ride around on his tricycle and feed those fxckers. i wonder what ever happened to him. i bet he's feeding them popcorn in heaven... drooling and farting on himself.

fireworks night is by far the biggest annual party the town throws. on the morning of that saturday, you can literally walk downtown and feel the excitement in the air. i like this feeling. one of my true regrets in life was missing the laser show they put on in place of the fireworks during the earlier part of the last decade. from what i'm told, it was a total shitshow and buzz kill. i don't even mind the throngs of kids that gather downtown on this night, and any other night during yankee homecoming. it's their town too, and without anything to do, what else better than to congregate, spit, and rap with one another about how bored you are, while dressed like a douche.

my father always described his hometown of melrose as a little acre of heaven that god sent down from the sky. if there's anything around here that's been sent down from heaven, i think it's the homefries at the marshview cafe in salisbury. during high school the marshview served as our school cafeteria. we ate there every day, and i don't think we once ever tipped our always smiling waitress dawn. she is the bees knees. whenever i go in there now, i always make sure to tip double in a last ditch effort to safe face.

i'm going to tell you about kent's island, and you're probably going to scratch your head and say, 'where the hell is kent's island'? it's off hay street in newbury and it's a pretty neat spot. like everything else over there, it's quite overgrown now. there's a section of dark forest that will make you feel like you're in robin hood. there's also a cool bubbling spring. pulitzer prize winning author john marquand (known mostly for the popular spy franchise mr. moto) built a sprawling mansion on this property in the 1930's. the place went to shit when he died and people literally raged in the abandoned house for decades. click dis wiki to read more: http://bit.ly/dDhC1P the house was torn down in 1989 after a large boring dispute. similar to maudsley the place has the feel of a secret garden you are meandering through. it's creepy. whenever i explore over there, i get so excited i feel like i have to make a bm. i also get kinda horny. i like how it is separated from the land by the little river. the train tracks run through the eastern portion of the island. one time i was there while mad at a close friend of mine. i broadly carved his first and last name in big letters on the aluminum bridge.

fran dalton, rest in peace.

2010-08-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

fifty things that i love about newburyport (parts 41-50)
by john ryan gallagher

my friends and i used to drive the long way home just so that we could go up boner drive. actually the street is really doner drive, but honorable citizens have long since been altering the capitol D with a simple line through the middle. i wonder how many signs the city has gone through? wouldn't the planners have seen this coming? did they do this intentionally? four blocks east of doner drive is coffin court, which is a dead end. lol. the residents of this neighborhood tired of people taking pictures of this ironic blunder and had the 'dead end' sign changed to 'not a thru street'. what a bunch of pussies.

this girl once told me that when she walked down high street, she could tell which houses were haunted by the energy that came off them. she said some of the places had some really scary stuff radiating from them. she did a lot of acid. this always stuck with me. high street has to be one of the most beautiful streets in the country: palaces with widow walks, an enormous brick high school, parks, churches, graveyards. high street is a must-see on any trip to town. the annual yankee homecoming parade travels down this street in its entirety every summer. once as a kid all these disney characters stopped and pulled the heads off their costumes right next to me, only to guzzle beers and smoke butts. as a dumb little boy, i was traumatized.

there's a semi-secret trail in maudsley that takes you down a steep incline and through a maze of rhododendrons, over two narrow foot bridges, and beneath various rare jungle plants, trees, and flowers. as a kid i felt like when i walked through this trail that i was in an indiana jones movie. i did it the other day on my way to indian rock, and it still felt that way.

at present, there's only three and a half homeless guys in newburyport that i know of. two of these dudes have banded together and can often be seen walking through town. they are really nice cats, and i've yet to see them act a fool or cause a problem. i urge you to consider them in your hearts if you happen to pass them by. the other homeless man is seemingly harmless as well - just not as friendly or appreciative of generosity. i refer to him as 'larry of arabia' because he wears so many clothes and shit over his head.

fowles on state street has the only neon sign in newburyport. it is certainly downtown's anchor. no one has ever given me a straight answer as to when the store officially opened. at one time i belive it was situated on the other side of the street. it's funny; i worked there for a number of years (on the northern side) but remember very little. i'm pretty sure it's over a hundred and fifty years old, which is a true testament to its lasting power. i can't imagine newburyport being without it or long-time day manager ruth sullivan. i love that woman.

my mother's backyard is prettier than a park. it has a hammock, gardens, cool trees, flowers, and abutts a very deep pond. in the winter you can ice skate or sled down her steep hill. one year we had an enormous ski jump set up. in the summer it's like national geographic and you can watch all sorts of cool birds stop by, feed baby ducks and weird cooter turtles, or maybe see a deer, fox, river otter, or any of the other creatures that happen on her property. my friend josh, a world traveler, told me that my mother's deck was his favorite spot in the world to pull a beer on. i'd have to agree with him. my mother has no idea the amount of debauchery that has taken place at her address, and let's hope she never finds out.

every now and then i just get this primal urge to whash it up and play keno, shoot pool (while blasting kid rock on the jukebox), and watch sports on 77 different t.v.'s. thankfully the winner's circle is just a trip over the bridge. this place really has it all. it's also affordable and the food's not bad.

people claim the mall is a spot that lures individuals in to do bad things. i have some experience with the mall and misbehavior, but i attest to this moreso at the oak hill cemetery. what a beautiful spot! it seems strange to say this about a graveyard, but this isn't your average burial ground. it was one of the first floral garden cemeteries in our country. it's a beautiful place to view wildlife, take pictures, roast a bone, walk your dog, or make out. you can cut through to the top of march's hill in the back. a great time to go is in the fall when the leaves are changing. it's also fun in the winter. i feel fortunate to have taken the 'tiptoe through the tombstones' tour with todd woodworth some years back.

i love coming over the chain bridge (the oldest suspension bridge in the country) after being away for a few days or weeks and seeing the newburyport sign. as corny as it seems, it warms my soul to come home to this little berg.

yeat.

final note: it has been great fun writing about my hometown. i would like to thank www.nbptma.com, www.newburyport-today.com, kathy downey, my moms, amos duncan (for reminding me about coffin court), and everyone that read this. the great amount of feedback and response was well appreciated. enjoy the rest of your summer.

if you can find it in your heart, please consider donating to ic-haiti: http://www.ic-haiti.org/ i will be traveling to haiti next month.

2010-06-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

best coast
by john ryan gallagher

there's something magical about best coast. maybe that's because there's something magical about singer/songwriter bethany cosentino. her sincere pop gems have been stealing the hearts of all those that lie in their wake. after a string of solid and exciting 7" singles, the band is finally ready to release their eagerly awaited debut this july. i had a chance to chat with bethany this afternoon. i like her.

i have a feral cat named olliecat. what's your cat's name?

snacks.

oh right. i think i actually knew that from a youtube joint that i saw. that's because he likes to eat little snacks, right?

yea.

does he like skittles?

i've never tried to give him skittles.

not yet.

(chuckles: shakes head) not yet.

is that him on the cover of 'crazy for you'?

yes. he's a huge part of my life. i got him around the same time that best coast started playing shows and our releases started coming out. he kinda came into my life at the same time as this band. two really important things that happened to me last year and he is one of them. he is like my son.

what were some of the clubs where you started playing your first shows?

we played our first show at a place called echo curio, which is this really awesome all ages/diy art and music space in echo park.

we like that.

then we started playing a bunch of shows around LA in smaller venues. most of them were little art gallery spaces. we played at a place called synchronicity gallery, which is a really cool place and i'm actually going to a show there later tonight.

is that an all ages venue as well?

yes. we started off playing only the very small all ages places like the smell. i still always want to play places like the smell and echo curio just because i love them as venues and i think it's really important to make sure that people of all ages can get into your shows. now we play bigger places like echo and echo plex. it's always fun to play shows in LA because we're from here. i think people get really pumped that they're seeing an LA band, but not only just an LA band, but an LA band that talks about being an LA band all the time. we have a lot of LA pride. people get really into that.

are you a lakers fan?

i am a lakers fan.

i'm a celtics fan so we're in trouble.

the lakers are doing so bad. it's embarrassing.

it's funny that we've talked so much about the all ages stuff because when i first started hearing your singles, instantly it reminded me of olympia, and calvin johnson and k records. did that musical community have an impact on your evolution or when you were growing up and starting to write songs?

not so much on the music that i make or made, but i definitely loved mirah and beat happening and calvin's stuff.

when i first heard you it sounded like you could have been one of their sisters.

that's cool. beat happening is a band that i used to listen to a lot. if we're touring or flying somewhere i'll listen to some of their songs. i think there probably is a little bit of an influence - just because their songs are really simple and bouncy. that's sorta like the same idea as best coast.

i know that you like hip hop music a lot. what do you consider to be the quintessential hip hop lps of all time?

oh wow. wu tang's 36 chambers, obviously, is a totally huge influencial record. i also love ghostface fishscale, i think that's such a good record. tribe called quest love movement. lots of old school stuff. i'm a big tupac fan. i'm really into west coast hip hop but right now i'm just really into drake. i'm obsessed with drake.

me too.

he's just so good. each song that he puts out is just so good and what he says in his songs actually means something. it's really cool.

i know, and he's like the first rapper to be able to sing and rap well.

he's so talented and i love everything that he's doing. i also love nikki minaj and a lot of the young money stuff. nikki is rad because she's like this totally empowered female in this crew of all dudes.

you're seemingly into early sixties music as well. that sorta phil spector, dirty dancing, eddie and the cruisers type shit. who are some of your favorite artists from that era?

i love the obvious ones like the ronnettes and the shangri las and i also really love lesely gore. she was her own artist. she wasn't in a group or anything. i love the crystals, and the treasures - basically all of that stuff. everything that spector touched '58-'69. back to mono - that collection is the best thing ever. that music makes me very happy and makes me feel good. i don't want to listen to music that bums me out.

same here. if smog comes on, i'm gonna cry.

exactly. sometimes you want to listen a sad thing or whatever - but if i'm already bummed out i'm not gonna listen to bum out music.

what was the first movie you saw in the theater?

hmmm. i'm not really sure. the first movie that i really remember seeing was selena in the theater with my mom and my dad. i'd seen movies in the theater before that - but that's really the first movie that i remember going to see. i loved selena when i was growing up. when she got killed it was the first time i felt sad about a celebrity dying. i still think that movie is really good and i think it's the best thing that j lo has done in her life.

i like 'out of site'.

i've never seen that.

put it on your netflix cue. it's pretty good.

sho'.

if you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring three dvds with you, which ones would you bring?

i would bring season seven of sienfield. season one of friends - i'm a big friends fan. then i'd probably bring annie hall or manhattan or some classic woody allen movie. those movies are the best. i've seen them all a million times and i watch them now and they still make me laugh.

did you ever get into peter bogdanovich movies like 'paper moon' or 'what's up doc?'

(enthusiastically) i love 'what's up doc?' striesand in that movie is just the best thing ever.

what are some of the bands that you love playing with and still get to play with?

dunes. they're actually playing that show tonight that i'm going to. they're so good. we've played with them a couple of times. i love watching them play. her music is awesome. my friend's band abe vigoada is amazing and they have a new record coming out in september. they're doing awesome things right now and i'm really excited for them. it's funny when you realize that every single one of your friends or everyone that you hang out with makes music or plays in a band - that's cool because everybody can kind of relate to one another. my friends are in a band called no age and a bunch of my friends play basement shows. there's definitely a bunch of awesome stuff going on in LA right now.

absolutely. i really like your record so much and i really like you.

well thank you.

have a really fun night tonight. be good and say hi to snacks for me.

will do.

'crazy for you' is available for pre-order starting today, tuesday, june 15th (www.mexicansummer.com). the album comes out on july 27th and i promise it is going to be one of the best records of your summer.

2010-06-08T20:55:00.000-07:00

2010-06-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

just realized you can add the phrase 'in your ass' to almost every facebook update and have it sound amusing.

for some reason i can't look at porn when my cat is in the room.

i brought you some toilet paper. now you can forego that handstand in the shower. xxxo.

let's face it, every now and then we wake up next to strangers and do this: http://twitpic.com/1pdj2c

i'm allergic to pants today.

i am using aol right now. feels like i am hanging with a friend i haven't seen since '99.

you guys have to see chris klein (aka suri's dad) audition for 'mama mia': http://tinyurl.com/22rqc2y via @kellyoxford

i know a number of girls whose only positive contribution to society is a good rack.

when i'm president i'm going to make it a crime to be lonely or sad. i'm also going to prohibit farting in public... even the silent ones.

every girlfriend i've ever had has given me this look when i've asked for my balls back: http://bit.ly/d5nl33

just watched flashdance in HD. pittsburgh didn't look as shitty.

i'm going to be like air supply and spend the rest of my afternoon attempting to make love out of nothing at all.

just wanted to extend an enormous arm of gratitude to everyone for all of your feedback and compliments on my blog and playlists. stay gold.

2010-05-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

advice to a graduate
by john ryan gallagher

- no one likes a 'know-it-all'.

- it doesn't matter how big your cock is, or how much money you have; you do not deserve special treatment. avoid expecting it.

- if you are trying to be cool, people will know you are 'trying'. then you won't be 'cool'.

- whenever something is going well, we will inevitably look for bad things within it. try to look at the bigger picture and appreciate things more.

- tragedy is a dish best served sober.

- opt not to let successes (big or small) go to your head.

- there will always be room for improvement.

- it takes less energy to forgive than to hate.

- cocaine will stunt your creativity.

- no matter how low you are, always keep smiling. i learned this from cary grant.

- be careful what you wish for.

- try to take the high road.

- be yourself. the ones who will realize and recognize this are the ones you want to be around.

- opportunity won't always find you. try to find it yourself. the same applies for inspiration. jack london said, 'you can't wait for inspiration to find you. you have to go after it with a club'.

- don't put things off to the last minute.

- learn from the mistakes you make.

- it's okay to make an ass of yourself once in a while.

- the things in life that you expect to be the hardest aren't always as hard. count on the little things to trip you up.

- everyone shits. don't be poo shy.

- embrace technology.

- if you can't accept yourself, it's going to be hard for others to.

- meet as many people as possible. you can learn something from every last db on this planet.

- wear a glove.

2010-05-24T04:00:00.001-07:00

love language
by john ryan gallagher

somewhere in the commentary to raiders of the lost ark, either george lucas or steven spielberg starts yapping about how the indiana jones movies were supposed to be like that of film serials from the 30's and 40's - essentially eliminating all down time and creating only 'the good stuff' and action. if you think about it, there really isn't a dull moment in raiders. this is how i described the love language's debut to my counterparts, a straight-up, unpretentious, lo-fi masterpiece, free from any superfluity. it was literally my favorite album of 2009. i'm not the only one to have a deep-rooted connection and affection to this album. blogs, blips and last.fm's have been going nuts over stuart mclamb's songs of heartache and self destruction. just a few weeks ago, merge records announced that they will be releasing their sophmore effort 'libraries' on july 13. this hearty follow-up picks up right where the last one left off and continues on in the tradition of excellence. over the weekend i caught stu for a few questions:

a. i see you like to ride bikes. does your bike have gears? do you ever fall off that thing?

that's actually not my bike. it's my roomate's girlfriend's. i barely fit on it so it's very hard to ride. i'm not sure which is more dangerous- smoking or riding women's bikes. doing them simultaneously is certainly not a good idea.

b. what's the hardest part about writing awesome songs?

writing a lot of them.

c. if in six or seven years, love language were to release a greatest hits in the vein of say aerosmith's greatest hits, or the best of the bee gees (the orange one), which three songs from 'libraries' would be make it to the compilation?

i'd say 'brittany's back', 'heart to tell', and 'summer dust'.

d. would you rather have sex with al roker and have nobody know, or not have sex with al roker but have everyone think you did?

i'd rather do a soft core porn together on cinemax.

e. give me three bands that you guys know personally who you think deserve more attention from the public than they get and why.

veelee is a great band out of carrboro, nc. they are comprised of the most adorable couple ever, matt park and ginger wagg. they write subtley infectious pop songs that thrive on simple hooks and repetition. definitely worth checking out. www.myspace.com/seeveelee

floating action is one of the best bands in nc, if not the best. their records will become your lifelong friends and their live show will become your favorite drinking (or smoking) buddy. www.myspace.com/floatingaction

soft company is missy thangs (LL keyboardist) solo project. she writes amazing pop songs loaded with hooks. they feel so expansive but they're all under 3 min. she has really great taste and incorporates a lot of great influences in her songs... and she's a total babe.

be sure to catch the love language on tour this summer. they will be out supporting camera obscura and also on their own. look for 'libraries' on july 13, but in the meantime visit itunes or amazon for their exceptional debut. click this for a free download of 'heart to tell', the first single from 'libraries': http://bit.ly/b8UBOn

2010-05-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

thieves like us
by john ryan gallagher

fact: when people listen to thieves like us, they get horny. the international trio that scored big a few years back with the killer breakthrough single 'drugs in my body' returns with 'again and again', an epically sexy sonic adventure of an lp. the leadoff single 'never known love' has our pic for song of the year thus far (check out the video below). i was able to steal some time from andy grier and ask him a few quick questions:

a. on the sleeve-cover to 'again and again', it appears a girl is trying to shuffle a deck of erotic playing cards. no lie, i have this same exact deck of cards. where did you guys get yours? i truly cherish mine.

the cards came from weimar - a town in eastern germany where the bAUHAUS school is.

shuffle is a misunderstanding. the cover is something abstract. i could interpret it as youth running up against the vices and chaos of adulthood and reality.

b. what was your favorite year of the last decade and why?
2001. it was a good year for hip hop. i had just discovered popol vuh. the twin towers were still standing. the EUROPEAN countries still had their own currencies: the mark, the franc, the lira, the pesata.

c. when the three of you were working on your first song together, could you feel the magic? how does that song compare to, say, the last song you wrote?

well, 'drugs in my body' was the second song we made. and that got done in about two days. so there was some chemical reaction between us, for sure. but i feel the magic more on the new record. we can start with some minimal idea and it just kind of writes itself into a fantastic song. i hear 'never known love' and i cannot believe we made it.

d. what have been the worst conditions in which you have had to sleep in as a result of being in 'thieves likes us'?

there are MANY- in london i lived in a windowless room on a loud and busy street. in paris i shared a living room for five months with another manic depressive. in new york i slept in a windowless loft room - the ceiling was so low i could not even stand upright fully. i also lived in a recording studio in brooklyn. i slept in the vocal booth. our house in EAST berlin was the worst... our address was invaliden strasse 1 (meaning Invalid street number 1). there were three STREETCAR lines which ran 20 hours a day past our window. the track cleaner would come every night at about 2 am. it parked outside the window. it sounded like a chainsaw as it was cleaning. It always woke us up. we would wake up, step out into the ice cold, walk to the kiosk and buy a vodka, come back home and drink ourselves into oblivious sleep.

e. do your moms and dads like 'again and again'?

mine haven`t heard it yet. i think they will like it more than 'play music'. my parents think program of the first part sounds like the devil`s music (which it is).

f. when is your next american tour?

i hope we can come in september. i know we have a lot of fans there. we especially want to play miami and los angeles.

2010-05-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

things were so simple in the '90's... all you had to do was walk around and worry about getting laid for the first time.

what is it about the maury povich show that makes me so goddamn horny?

no matter what kind of mood you're in, you should always try and be nice to people.

my dad always says that women are easy to pick up but impossible to get rid of.

sometimes when i'm angry i make my enemies look like bin laden in ms paint. once i put this girl's face on the 'single white female' poster.

today my professor asked our class if we knew what rolling blackouts were. the room was silent until i muttered, 'i've had a few of those.'

i feel like the bent wiring inside of a smelly bra that needs to be thrown out.

i'm going to be so nice tomorrow that people will mistake me for a messiah. i'm going to cure lepers and walk on water... with my penis.

i hope that in 'sex and the city II' a shark comes and fxcking eats all four of them.

in a perfect world gene simmons and richard simmons would really be brothers.

sometimes right before i eat my daily cookie at lunch, i say to myself, 'here comes the best part of my day'.

2010-05-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

holy ghost!
by john ryan gallagher

the undeniably infectious new york duo holy ghost took some time out this week to answer some questions for us. we've been hooked on these two since they released 'hold on' a few years back. since then the two have been offering some of the finest remixes around, while diligently working on their first proper release, 'static on the wire,' which drops may 18th on dfa records. they will spend the summer on tour with lcd soundsystem, spreading the gospel and inadvertently making people dance.

1. it has been exciting discovering holy ghost piece by piece. first there was the 'hold on' single, followed by 'i will come back' a few months later. now we have 'say my name,' with, of course, more on the way later in the month. was any of this approach deliberate?

alex frankel: well, we definitely didn't rush things. after "hold on" we did a lot of remixes (13?). those take us roughly 2-3 weeks to do, sometimes longer. we dj'd over 100 times in 2009, and mostly internationally. the rest of our time was in the studio, working on our album. so it's not like we were sitting around sipping beers and going "make em wait!" we just felt like - and always feel like - there's no point in rushing something we're not 100 percent stoked on. but from here on in, things should roll out a little quicker, for sure!

nick millhiser: not really. "hold on" was really the first thing we did so it's not like we were sitting on some cache of other songs when it was released. so we spent a fair amount of time figuring out where to go from there by writing, doing a bunch of remixes, etc. basically just a lot of trial and error before we got to the point where we felt we had settled on a bunch of songs and an approach that felt consistent and cohesive.

2. you guys have been friends forever. i imagine you spend a great deal of time together. are there ever times when you just want to fucking kill one another?

alex: not really. actually nick's a nice guy. i do my best not to piss him off too much.

nick: there are moments, yes, but they never last more than a couple minutes at which point we drink a beer, eat a taco, and get back to work, making childish inside jokes that few other people understand.

3. how has the process of assembling and rehearsing a full-on live band for your upcoming tour been going?

alex: awesome. we lucked out on personnel ( chris maher and erik tonnensen), great players/bros. and I mean players like "suave" or " mack daddy."

nick: after lots of pretty intense ups and downs and changes in the lineup, we've settled on two really great guys and it's been going really well now. it's been really tough for many reasons, but it's coming together nicely.

4. do you have a favorite burt reynolds movie? if so please exlain.

alex: boogie nights? i'm not up on my burt at all.

nick: the one where he has a moustache and looks great.

...we'll just assume he's referring to 'gator'.

5. you've certainly set standards pretty high for yourself when it comes to remixes. as your level of success continues to rise, do you feel more pressure when it comes to the results of your remix work?
alex: not really. as long as we're both excited to dj it, i'm cool with it.

nick: i think we've put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves for remixes from the beginning. we just won't hand one in until we are 100% happy with it, which is often a point that takes a while to get to. we'd be much richer men if we could just crank them out, submit half assed shit, or if we didn't spend half our fees mixing in real studios, hiring and recording extra musicians (like horn players or, as was the case recently, a dude who sounds like sylvester to resing the vocals), but we both have a crippling fear of embarrassing ourselves.

6. what are your top five favorite things about being a new yorker?

alex: 1. our friends 2. the transportation 3. the knicks (ok not right now, but..) 4. basketball courts 5. the food

nick: here are five people, in no particular order, who make new york a wonderful place to be: nancy whanf, eric broucek, james murphy, jon galkin, and justin miller.

7. how much longer until we get a full length from holy ghost?

alex: soon, i promise. like very soon.

nick: beginning of next year.

8. would you rather ride on a dinsosaur or in a ufo?

alex: if it was a cool dinosaur, like no biting its master, then i think that would be pretty fun.

nick: ride a dinosaur, of course.

check out 'say my name' and their fantastic remix of lcd soundsystem's 'drunk girls' at www.holyghostnyc.com

2010-05-03T15:26:00.001-07:00

things that make you go hmmm
by john ryan gallagher

the other night this girl told me that if given the choice between herpes or aids, she'd take aids. she also told me how she's been having an affair with a prominent african american man whom she met at chipolte or qdoba. he's a black studies professor. the two meet in hotel rooms and screw screw screw. apparently the guy likes to role play and he likes to call her 'miss ____'. he then likes to have her bark orders at him. the girl said she wasn't very comfortable with the whole thing. i don't really blame her. but while she was telling me this interesting tale, i was still stewing over the first part about herpes vs. aids. do a lot of people feel this way? she said that with aids you'd just take all sorts of medicines and use condoms. she said with that with the herps you're pretty much off the market. she is studying to be a doctor.

sometimes when i'm bored in class, which is pretty much all the time, i think about how if the world were going to end in two minutes and i could screw any girl in the room, which girl would i screw first? the hottest chick in a classroom usually stands out and is a dead giveaway. for some reason i always choose the second hottest girl. i don't know why i do this. the other day i was going through this mental process/exercise and i started feeling sorry for the girl that would be chosen last. i thought about how if the world were really going to end, wouldn't you want to end it doing something really nice? maybe having sex with the least attractive girl whom no one would ever choose would be the way to go. sure it would be tough and nasty, but you'd probably be making someone else really happy.

today i was thinking about how when i'm an old man, i'm not going to want to sleep with old women. there's just nothing really that sexy about golden girls. i thought about cosmetic surgeries, healthy lifestyles, yet still, i've decided i will probably have a hard time sleeping with women over the age of 29. but then i started to wonder when women would want to stop sleeping with me. are there surgeries i could have performed in order to look younger? after balding, greying, hairy ears, and yellow toe nails, i also know that guys' balls usually drop down way low. is there a surgery that lifts your nuts back up? do people already have this done? it really can't look that sexy to have your nuts hanging by your knees.

2010-04-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

five questions with class actress
by john ryan gallagher

there's just something so inescapable about class actress' debut ep 'journal of ardency.' in honor of the band's anticipated performance at boston's legendary dance party, the pill, we had a quick chat with elizabeth harper:

at this very moment, if class actress were to be forced into becoming a tribute band, which band would you choose to represent?

i think we already are a tribute band.

you were a theater major in college. were you ever in 'grease'?

it is one of my greatest disappointments in life not having played danny.

what did you do on your last birthday?

cried, then had champagne and oysters.

how much longer do we have to wait for a full length from class actress?

as soon as I get off the phone, going to write another love song, and then i think it's finished.

if you had to write your autobiography tonight, what would you entitle it?

my journey into serenity.

the band plays the pill at great scott in allston on friday, april, 30, 10pm.

we are very excited.

www.myspace.com/elizabethharper

2010-04-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

eleven things i learned in new york this weekend
by john ryan gallagher

the graveyards of brooklyn are swarming with parrots. naturally, this species of bird is not indigenous to the region, but merely wound up here as a result of pet owners tiring of their presence. i always knew new yorkers were fickle, but i didn't know they were like this. i guess the sewers of manhattan and brooklyn are still crawling with alligators and now pythons. damn.

if you swipe your metro card too slowly when you're getting onto the subway, the mechanism won't process the transaction and the turnstile won't open for you. doing this will make you look like a tourist and no one likes one of those.

lauren and i were talking about how the bee gees were two great bands in one - the gloomy folkies from the sixties and the amazing dance band of the '70's and '80's. what i didn't know was that the doobie brothers did a career 180 too. basically they were this cool biker band from california that placed their faith in michael macdonald, who took them on a blue-eyed soul ride into soft rock and lameness. i think it's so funny when careers just flip the fuck around yet still maintain success. lauren was quick to point out that jefferson airplane did something similar when they morphed into the starship.

i had to ask why i kept almost tripping over books on the sidewalk. turns out people place old books on their stoop for others to take and enjoy. this is nice. i came across a few stoop sales too. people were selling the dumbest shit.

they charge you to get into parties in new york. these cats wanted fifteen bucks to get into their weird art party. they had a slip and slide with blood instead of water. damn.

bedbugs are no joke. i heard a story about a chick that had to put the posts of her bed into buckets of water to keep them away. it didn't work. finally she slept on top of her bureau and even then she could see them climbing up to get her. i'd have been out of there a long time before that.

elvis perkins is the son of anthony 'psycho' perkins. i learned this from a stranger on the subway who helped me find the bell house where he was playing that night. she went to grade school with him. weird. you rock, lucy.

you can go to this place called the high line where you walk on this elevated platform and can see into the rooms of the standard hotel. apparently word has circulated and exhibitionist couples like to rent these rooms and screw for the pubic. they close the high line down at dusk and i just missed getting onto it. i was pissed.

the new york times says the best bagels in all of new york are at this place on park slope called 'terrace bagels.' the times went for the win and got it. the bagel i had yesterday was so good i came in my pants a little.

people in new york and new jersey are never going to grow out of music that sounds like eddie and the cruisers and the shit they grinded to in dirty dancing. saxophones, handclaps, singing about having a party: heaven.

i found this little park that i deemed a suitable place for a night's sleep if ever i am down there, broke, drunk, and/or out of luck. it's call st. john's park and it is just south of canal in tribeca. we stopped here on our walk to the lame film festival. i saw a redhead in stilettos and fishnets and decided i needed a brownie sundae as soon as possible.

www.johnryangallagher.tumblr.com

2010-04-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

five things about parallels
by john ryan gallagher

4.20 this year wasn't just about weed, indian food, and reggae music. the canadian group parallels finally released their anticipated debut, 'visionaries'. the band consists primarily of (sexxxy) vocalist, composer, and producer holly dodson and drummer/producer/composer cameron findlay. we've actually had the release since early february when it was first made available on itunes and amazon. 'dry blood' has been on our playlists ever since.

findlay went to the same high school as corey haim. i think he was a little thrown off when i randomly asked him this question on the phone yesterday. i figured they were both from toronto so it was worth a shot. he was a good sport and claimed that they didn't know each other personally, due to an understandable age difference. i forgot to ask him if he knew drake.

(above) i was first made aware of parallels last summer when this video was emailed to me by a friend. isn't this great? i bet cameron gets totally sweaty playing drums that fast in a suit. damn.

'visionaries' was recorded by dodson and findlay at marigold studios in their hometown of toronto. dodson is the daughter of rich dodson from the '70's band the stampeders. sometimes i can't make out the words she is singing so i make up my own. i like that.

what really resonates and excites me with this album are the dimensions created with the use of the live and natural drums. it gives the album such life while at the same time offering a foreboding yet welcomed sense of darkness and danger. findlay was quick to point out the 'deep' snare sound offered on 'visionaries'. findlay is the former drummer for 'crystal castles'. i like him, despite the fact that he doesn't know corey haim.

www.facebook.com/parallels
www.myspace.com/parallelsfm
www.youtube.com/parallels

2010-04-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

fifty things that i love about boston
by john ryan gallagher

the first few days of spring when all the college girls wear next to nothing and show off their hot pale bodies.

cardullo's in harvard square shows each red sox game on a nice flat screen in their window display. a bunch of guys watch each game from this spot. while none of these men are actually nice, it's reassuring and refreshing that they are always there.

we can still dance at the pill on friday nights to britpop and modern indie tracks spun by ken and michael.

walking around castle island and pleasure bay in south boston. you can stop at sullivan's for a soft-serve, but there's a guy at the end of broadway with an ice cream truck that offers a shorter line and very nice service.

late night pizza at little stevie's on boylston street. it's always a real shitshow but worth it. this guy told me he saw little stevie wash the oven out with the mop he was using to clean the floor.

the street performers in harvard square... even the little asian man who makes noise on his weird stringed instrument. i swear he's getting the last laugh.

we call the subway system 'the t'.

seeing the enormous celtics banner as you go down from the zakim bridge into the thomas p. o'neill jr tunnel. i'm glad the bruins finally got to put one up too.

trying to nagivate an automobile down the world's narrowest streets in the north end. after that white knuckle ride and a merciless attempt to find parking, i like to get a gelato and an espresso.

the guy that shows up to every event with the jesus flyers. it's not a party until he arrives.

twelve dollar sandwiches from hi rise in huron village, cambridge. i swear they are worth every penny.

going to the top of the tower in mount auburn cemetery. there's a tree nearby that you can hide inside when it's flowers bloom. i may or may not have carved my initials into this bitch.

watson and the shark at the museum of fine arts.

i think it's great how we pronounce our towns like total chuds. 'gloucestah', 'peabiddy', 'haverhill', 'worcester', etc.

breakfast or brunch at zaftig's in brookline.

seeing old movies at the brattle theater. i like to sit in andre dubus sr's seat. they serve beer in there now.

driving over the tobin bridge and getting that feeling of excitement when i see the skyline. happens every time.

ice skating on the frog pond. afterwards i like to get chinese food and swiftly regain the calories i just burned off.

(above) i still don't know how, but someday i am going to get up on that statue of washington and sit on the back of his horse with him.

having pizza and ice cream at picco in the south end.

marathon monday. even better is catching the red sox 10:05 am start and then coming out to see the first runners come by.

oxford spa in cambridge has an incredible sandwich called 'the dissertation'. right next to 'oxford spa' is a laundromat that was used in the filming of 'love story'. they let you know it, too. they have a big sign in the window proclaiming this fact.

the aquarium has a pretty badass shark tank.

you can still rent (hard to find) vhs tapes from the two existing hollywood express locations in porter and central square, cambridge.

the roofdeck pool at the colonade hotel. it's open to the public but it costs thirty-five bucks. i think last year they may have lowered it to thirty. it's worth it on a hot day. there's a full service bar and a great crabmeat sandwich.

making fun of people that still rollerblade as they zip by on the esplanade.

the fact that innovation was invented in kendal square. there's also an overpriced art house movie theater nearby.

jonathan richman has written some truly excellent songs about boston. 'roadrunner', 'government center', 'hot nights', 'twilight in boston' (this one is kinda gay), etc. i like that we have him, even though he doesn't live here anymore.

my favorite section of the city for homeless people is central square, cambridge. one time we saw a group of them dancing around their homeless ghetto blaster to tom petty's 'refugee'. so fitting and perfect!

eating hand-cut french fries inside fanuiel hall with my dad.

fourth of july on the esplanade. i like to watch from the memorial drive side. last year neil diamond came and sang 'sweet caroline'. a recent study was conducted that proved that girls are more likely to put out on the 4th of july as opposed to any other night in the year.

trying to get out of the mass eye and ear parking lot onto storrow drive. this shit presents one of the greater challenges i have faced in life. good luck.

there's something romantic about post office square in the financial district. i slept on a bench there one night.

dancing to the hits at videodrome in great scott in allston. where else can you go to dance to olivia newton-john videos projected on gigantic big screens?

zenning out at the isabella stewart gardner museum while trying to solve the mystery of who stole the rembrandts.

free summertime concerts in city hall plaza. city hall itself is about as ugly a building as you'll ever see. it's so ugly that it's cool.

adolfo gonzales was an intern for toucher and rich at wbcn. he has since become a member of their staff and moved over to 98.5 fm (the sports hub) when 'bcn was bought out. he has a tattoo with the word 'chili' misspelled. earlier in the year he lost a bet and was forced to walk from boston to foxboro (twenty-four miles) with a life size cardboard cut-out of patriots receiver wes welker on his shoulders. adolfo might be my favorite boston personality of all time.

bostonians take halloween very seriously. i like that adults celebrate it the saturday that the clocks are turned back. this allows for an extra hour of mayhem. i like the next day because you can wake up and scroll fbook for pictures of girls you know dressed up like sluts.

for two bucks you can take a ferryboat from the aquarium to charlestown and climb the bunker hill monument. there isn't much to do there but it's a cheap thrill i enjoy every once in a while.

there used to be a speakeasy in allston and you'd knock on her door and say, 'mamasita, it's benny'. then she'd sell you a thirty-rack for thirty bucks. she was available twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year. she did not discriminate over age. i don't know if she still operates, but damn did i appreciate her style.

gourmet express is the place that used to be a white chicken in porter square. they are open twenty-four hours and offer fantastic food and snacks. all the people that work there are beyond nice. you should see the knuckleheads and homeless people they have to put up with in there at three a.m. on a saturday night.

checking out art on the first fridays of the month on harrison street. most of the time it's douche bag city down there, but it's always amusing.

'duck tours'. actually, i take it back. i don't like 'duck tours'. i got on one once when i was hungover and had to jump off the back of it mid-trip.

in '04 when the smaller john hancock tower flashed blue and red, it meant that 'the curse was dead'.

the boston public library has some nice galleries that are free to poke around in. there's an interesting exhibit going on now about edgar alan poe's time in boston. he hated it here. what an assclown.

the saint patrick's day parade in south boston. little kids walking around with beers, public urination, girlfriends crying, fights, yet still about as amazing as it can get.

getting people stoned and taking them to the mapparium at the christian science center. it's this big glass globe you walk through on a bridge. the acoustics are strange and terrifying. then you pin your friends into a conversation with one of the christian science people and run to the nearest exit, laughing like a real shitheel.

what are some things you love about boston?

2010-04-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

red sox opening day '10
by john ryan gallagher

parked my car by boston university and walked through a sea of beautiful babies towards kenmore square. calling girls babies is my new thing. you've got to love the first few warm days of the year. (5:32)

started dealing with scalpers and initially it wasn't looking good. we'd had a pair of tickets being held for us by this jockstrap in arlington, but the guy crapped out at the last minute and said his sister's fiance died. 'hey dude, i'm sorry about your loss, but where are my fxcking tickets?' (5:41)

i prefer to give my scalping business to the southie crowd. it's not that they offer better deals than middle-easteners, but because they are my kind. i delude myself into thinking i can trust them more. the sad truth is that any of these men would probably fuck their own mother if she bent over.

these guys wanted $350 for single tickets - most of which were standing room only. one prick (ironically, not an irishman) told me not to be a jew when he disapproved of what i could pay for two seats. i was finally able to get a guy on my side after he fell suspect to the fact that i was a friend of one of his co-conspirators. he asked me, 'are you a friend of greeno's'? i looked him right in the eye and said, 'sort of.' finally he took me into an atm and within seconds i possesed tickets to the big game. i felt a weird mix of guilt and elation... story of my fxcking life. (6:09)

walked by adolfo gonzales as he was snagging free samples from the nantucket juice people.

lauren finally found parking and i met her in front of gillians. it was all very exciting. when i checked into the fenway on foursquare, i recieved the 'swarm' badge.

the bitch of this whole ordeal was that our seats weren't even together. what made matters even worse was a guy came to my seat and pretty much demanded he exchange his ticket for the one that i was holding. his claim was that he had lost the ticket and that a scalper must have found it and sold it to me. he then explained that he had to buy another ticket to get into the park. i'll give him this, he did know the name of the season ticketholder on my ticket, but still, it was all part of the shine. what was i going to do, sit there next to his drunkass angry friend all night? or even worse, have to deal with some bullshit fenway cop who'd start giving me a hassle for scalping a ticket? no thanks. (7:58)

so we got drinks and watched from the home plate sro section for a while. i gotta say, i'd rather stand there than sit out in a right field box or in the bleachers. plus it's better to enjoy a game with a good friend than to be seated all alone. (8:26)

we were pretty dumbfounded when pedro came out to throw the first pitch. on sports radio they said he got the loudest ovation of the night, but i'm gonna give that nod to neil diamond. last year when i went, it was teddy kennedy who tossed the first ball. when we'd been guessing who the surprise guest was supposed to be, lauren suggested steven tyler, whereas i said wes welker. i told her i doubted they'd have tyler because he's back on the sauce and they wouldn't have wanted to take a chance on him. overall, not a bad opening ceremony with fireworks and a flyover, but i was happy to see the game start.

a few innings later i was explaining surfer blood to lauren and the women next to me looked at her boyfriend and said, 'i'm going to kill him'. she was referring to me, but i didn't really have a reaction to her sentiment. (9:06)

josh beckett started to choke. (9:08)

i ate a hot dog in two bites. it made me burp a lot. as i was pushing the burps out through my nose, i realized i'd left my coat over by my original seat. shit. i didn't really care about the coat, but i did want the whisps i had in its pocket. i could tell my breath was becoming dragonlike. i also didn't really want to part with my (rare) 'chinese democracy' pin (which was on the coat). i postponed thinking about it. (9:42)

there was a feather dangling from beneath the cage where the cameramen were perched. i pointed this out to lauren and a man in our vicinity said, 'that's not a feather. that's a microphone'. i looked at him and said, 'oh, yeah, you're right.' then i looked at lauren and whispered, 'it's really a feather.' (10:01)

this drunk troll began to invade our personal space. i know you've probably heard me reference girls as being 'troll-like', but this one literally looked like a troll doll. her hair was the perfect blend of dried/frizzy/bright/orange. damn. it made lauren mad that the troll wasn't even watching the game. i was like, 'lauren, they're trolls. they don't care about baseball.' i told her that eventually she'd have to piss and that she'd leave and that'd be that - but this troll must have had a bigger tank than anyone in the park. i chaulk it up to the woman's years of experience swallowing beers and dicks.

steven tyler came out to sing the 'god bless america.' i wondered if he was tanked or not. lauren and i moved down to these stellar seats we'd been eyeing. we were immediately surrounded by amazing people who welcomed our presence. we even brought them some good luck. the sox came back, and we were all helicopter hi-fiving! (10:37)

the place went nuts for neil diamond. they used to talk about how he would never come to fenway because he couldn't come to a financial agreement with the red sox organization. i'm glad they figured something out. i hope they paid him out the ass because he rules. it was so loud in our section that you couldn't even hear him performing 'sweet caroline.' just as well. (11:29)

one of the guys behind me wouldn't stop yapping about the dirty-ass power plant in somerset that his friend is working at. a few minutes later he asked/shouted, 'does marcellus wallace look like a bitch?' this 'pulp fiction' / pop culture reference from the '90's made it so that he no longer annoyed me. (11:42)

we won and i can't say as though i've ever been happier at a red sox game. we went down and met up with emma and some friends, and i was able to go and get my coat. i asked emma if it was socially acceptable for me to use a whisp right there in the stands, and she was like, 'well, i'm brushing my hair so i'm sure it's fine.' (12:01) *at this exact moment some ass-clown was ticketing my car for a street cleaing that wasn't going to happen until six am. a ruthless trick that i can thank deval patrick for.

we went to noir for an afterwards celebration. i stayed for about six minutes because i had to get up early for class.

there are some nights in a lifetime that are remarkable. this was one of them.

photos courtesy of the globe*

2010-04-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

fifteen things i saw at school today (but wish i hadn't)
by john ryan gallagher

hackysackers

face herpes

(above) a picture of ______'s friends peeing outside (not hot)

a primus t-shirt

hammer-time feet

a pretty girl picking her nose

denim on denim

the creepy jesus lookin' theater kid playing pocket pool

(3) dudes growing beards who can't grow beards

cellulite

ray smoking kools

people eating sushi on a monday

earwax girl

some guy's hairy ass crack

some girl's hairy ass crack

2010-04-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

2010-04-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

the book with the "oldest lines" in it starts off like this:
by john ryan gallagher

"he's just a friend."

"you can come upstairs but we're not gonna fxck."

"i deleted those naked pictures you sent me."

"it's not a cold sore."

"i promise i won't cum in your mouth."

"we can still be friends."

"i was only joking."

"the check's in the mail."

"it's not you; it's me."

"i have to work tomorrow."

"no, i didn't fart."

"i has my period."

"and they lived happily ever after..."

2010-03-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

Facebook: We Don’t Care About Your Fake Chickens
by Liv Hauck with contributions by John Ryan Gallagher

These days, Facebook is used for far more than social networking and stalking your ex. With the inception of applications featuring games, quizzes, astrology readings, and other mindless time-wasters, Facebook now exists as an entire Internet subculture. The common person is given a platform to broadcast his or her mundane existence; even though you’re a loser in real life, you’re king of the world in Mafia Wars!

Guess what. We don’t care. We don’t care how often you poop. We don’t care how many fake chickens you own on your stupid fake farm on Farmville. We don’t care if you think your ugly mug resembles a hot celebrity for “Doppleganger Week”. We don’t care to try and analyze cryptic song lyrics that mean nothing to us, and you probably don’t even understand yourself.

We invite you to take a stand against your obnoxious Facebook friends, and de-friend them (gasp!) …or at least just “hide” them from your Newsfeed.
In honor of our dearly delusional Internet friends, the delightful John Ryan Gallagher and I have compiled a list of Top Ten things to do on Facebook if you want everyone to de-friend you.

10. Don’t tell us how awesome your sweet, cool life is. Most of us aren’t as happy as you are, and we don’t like having bullshit wiped in our faces. Are you sooooo in love? Shut it. Are you having sooo much fun on your awesome tropical vacation? Please, spare us. We’re probably sitting in class, or at our boring 9-5 office job thinking about how much we want to kill you. Unless you’re one of our best friends or family members, we aren’t happy for you; we’re jealous and annoyed. Save the excessive ooh-ing and aaah-ing over your own life for a personal text or call to whomever you think might give a shit.

9. Describe – and brag about – your monetary situation. No one cares if you got financial aid to college, or that your dad just bought you a new Dolce and Gabbana clutch. Most folks will think you’re tacky and uncouth. It’s not polite to discuss money, especially in such a public forum as Facebook.

8. “…He goes left and you stay right, between the lines of fear and blame…” does not belong in a status update. Don’t advertise your relationship problems with cryptic, emo song lyrics alluding to a bad break-up. You’re not insightful, mysterious, or clever; you’re crying for attention. By composing statuses requiring people to try and understand your intentions, you’re tricking them into looking at your Facebook profile one more second than they would had you simply said, “Just broke up with my idiot girlfriend.” Save the melodrama for your Mama.

7. We would rather pluck our nose hairs while listening to cats dying than read your stupid quizzes. If you take “The Bitch Test” or “What kind of drink are you?” we will de-friend you before you even have a chance to read your results. Quit having a computer analyze you, and get out and live! Anyways, we hope you already know what kind of boobs you have, without relying on a quiz to tell you. Unless, perhaps, you’re blind and have no arms. In that case, we can’t figure out how you would take this stupid quiz in the first place.

6. People who look at your profile most often. This isn’t Myspace anymore; we don’t care how popular you are, or how many followers you have. The more you have online, the less friends you probably have in real life.

5. Pictures of drunk girls on toilets, sometimes with mustaches, sometimes with their tongues out. Keep your pants on and your tongue in your mouth. And girls, please refrain from putting on a fake mustache – that’s sooo hipster 2008.

4. Your daily astrology reading. We just don’t care. It may mean something to you, but if we’re not directly involved, save it for someone who gives a shit.

3. Who your doppleganger is. You’re not hot, and you don’t look like your doppleganger. Just because you have plump lips doesn’t mean you’re Scarlet Johansson.

2. Your period or pooping habits. We’re not your doctor. However, if you have not gotten your period in a few months and think you might be preggers, please! Share! We like to have a good laugh every now and then.

1. Fake farm on Farmville. We think Farmville ruined Facebook. Virtual chickens and cows are meaningless, and we don’t want our Newsfeed cluttered with your imaginary agricultural bullshit.

Ask yourself this simple question before posting something on your Facebook: do people really want to know what I’m doing, or am I about to post this status update or picture simply for attention? Keep that in mind, and you’re destined to have a nonirritating, informative yet appropriate social networking profile! And that’s all for now, folks. Stay tuned for more collaborative efforts from Liv and John.

View this article on Neave: http://bit.ly/bkyHtf
Liv Hauck: http://bit.ly/auw8Gi

2010-03-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

even my relationship with my cat is dysfunctional.

i might be the king of catching ladies sneak a cooter scratch.

now when i see an suv drive by i put the word 'anal' before it's title: anal expedition, anal explorer, anal range rover, etc.

why does water from the bathroom sink taste different than water from the kitchen sink?

i'm going to stick a fork in this day and eat it.

whenever i open up that facebook chat it's always the people i least want to talk to that hit me up.

i wonder why god waited until 82' to introduce skittles.

today my dad called my phone a blueberry and i couldn't tell whether or not he was kidding.

looks like a lot of you guys and gals are currently tweeting random song lyrics that mean a great deal to you - yet mean jack-dick to me.

my neighbor has an ass that's longer than the organ solo in 'light my fire'

if it keeps snowing like this maybe they'll cancel school for day and i won't have to go blow my politics professor at lunch.

one time this girl told me that 'time was of the evanescence' and it infuriated me so much that i went and peed in her sink.

2010-03-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

gone fishin'
by john ryan gallagher

somewhere close to the point where i stopped paying attention in a sociology class last week, my professor said something about primitive apemen hunting and fishing. he caught my attention a few minutes later when he started talking about men fucking apes and apes and men throwing their shit at one another. i guess what i'd like to do is rewind to what he was saying before that and listen in to what he was referring to in regard to the hunting and fishing. recently i've been reflecting on a few times in life where i've turned to fishing for some sort of relief or guidance. was my professor saying that this was a natural urge distilled in all men? or was he merely referring to man's evolution and the point in time when they started getting their shit together.

a. my uncle jim would take me fishing when i was a dumb little boy. we'd go to ponds, and sometimes we'd go out onto the sea in boats. on one of these deep sea excursions, this gang of sportos got totally shithoused and started puking everywhere. right before they started puking, they were all singing 'unskinny bop' by poison in unison - only they were really fucking up the words which i found very insulting at the time. i remember kinda feeling like i willed their puking to happen. their vomit was really gross, and suddenly almost everyone was seasick. i don't think i caught very much that day, but i do remember a few times when my uncle would ask me to tend to his pole (get your mind out of the gutter) when he'd have caught something on the line. totally a nice gesture. as a dumb little boy i was too naive to see it coming. it was sorta like the times my dad would let me win at bowling... which was really probably hard for him to do as i am even a worse bowler than i am fisherman. does it speak volumes about me if my elders go to these extreme lengths in order to let me succeed?

b. i ran track one spring in high school. i thought it would look good on my college transcript. all i got out of it was a bad case of jock itch and a diminished sense of self confidence. they never ran me in meets unless everyone else was sick or something. on those few occasions i would get blown out of the water by insanely fast sprinters. my friend mike was in a similar boat, so we wised up and started going fishing when we should have been going to these meets. we must have gone about twenty times that spring - yet we never caught one fish. i don't even know if we would have known how to have taken them off the hook in the event we caught one. we mostly talked about our farts, surviving puberty, and did proper assessments of girls' we knew tits and asses. it was a much healthier and therapeutic environment than being at the track meet. note: this was the same friend i conned into thinking that warren zevon was phish for an entire year.

c. after a while i began to use fishing as just an excuse to drink. my friend big ben liked to drink and he liked to fish so i would often accompany him on his outings. one time we found ourselves standing on top of a water moccasin nest and i turned into a real pussy. aside from that it was always pretty peaceful doings. i remember big ben would always have to take a shit as soon as we got out there. i would too. mind you, there's just something about the woods that makes you want to shit. i would hold mine, whereas i think he actually liked to shit outdoors. i was always real grossed out by it. one time we went out to this old traditional new england seafood restaurant and big ben spilled his clam chowder on me, and i screamed so loud that they kicked us out. i don't think big ben and i ever caught that many fish together, but they sure were some sweet times.

d. one summer i was all fucked up in the brain. i barely left the house. i watched 'weekend at bernie's' repeatedly and drank tall boys of arizona iced tea. one night my friend matt called me and convinced me to go surfcasting with him. i thought this might be an opportunity to try to climb out of my shell. when we got to the beach, all he did was talk about his problems that were worse than mine. in the end i think this aided in my recovery, but at the time i was plain pissed off. it goes along with what my father has always said, where if you go into a room full of strangers and everyone shares their problems, by the end of it you are begging for your problems back. matt and i didn't catch any fish that night, nor have we any of the other seventy-five times we have gone fishing.

e. for my twenty-first birthday i thought it would be a good idea if my two best bro's and i went deep sea fishing. we got totally shit-housed, sunburnt, and stupid. we caught tons of fish - yet remember very little from our adventure. there are, however, pictures to prove it. later that night some other friends bought me a lapdance from a woman whose asshole was the size of a basketball. i can't think of a better way to celebrate the entrance into adulthood. later that night i made out with a woman who was more than twice my age until my friends rescued me.

2010-03-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

2010-03-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

goodnight, johnboy (passin' the fxck out)
by john ryan gallagher

for years my two best friends and i got drunk in my mother's basement. even when we were old enough to consume alcohol in bars, we still preferred her basement. there's something magical about the wood paneling and the cement floor. we'd listen to records, fight with each other, and then sometimes the three of us would dance together. as far as i know, and as suspicious sounding as it may seem, we never got gay. one time my mom came downstairs in the middle of the night and found me passed out in a metal chair during a thunderstorm. first she thought i was dead, then she woke my pimply ass up and conned me into going upstairs. she was walking behind me as i went up the steps, and after climbing about four of them, i decided to fall back to sleep and i abruptly tilted backwards onto her. i was a real fatass at the time and lucky i didn't break her in half. i don't think she talked to me afterwards for about six days. the basement was off limits but eventually we weasled our way back down.

there's an apartment building in allston called 'bacon chambers'. one time i woke up in a hallway there. no idea how i got there or why i thought it was a good place to take a nap. two weeks ago i saw a guy get stabbed to death right in front of this same building. on a lighter note, bacon chambers is located next to a restaurant called 'm'yung dong'.

i passed out once on a b train and was rudely awakened by the conductor when we reached the end of the line. unfortunately it was the last train and i had to walk my ass back to boston. it wasn't the end of the world. i knew a guy who did something similar only he kept passing out mid-step on his walk home. he totally cracked his skull open and got a ride in an amba-lance.

once in london my mom came back from dinner, only to find me passed out with my head on a toilet seat. she had to take my boots off for me that night. damn.

there's a movie theater in burlington vermont i'll never set foot in again. i "fell asleep" there during a showing of 'buffalo 66', and they locked the place down with me inside. i guess they must not have seen me. i woke up in the dark and set off a million alarms. i could hear the fire trucks and cops coming so i ran for my life. other movies i have slept through in the theater include: 'backdraft', 'the hunt for the red october', '8 mile' (the first time i saw it; i went again the next night), and the 'king kong' remake. i acutally think i might have slept through the kong remake two times. i saw that bitch many times in the theater.

last week i discussed a number of car accidents i have been involved in. one of them involved me falling asleep at the wheel and driving through a tree in my mom's hyundai. i killed the car, the tree, the cd i was listening to, and i fractured my back. luckily, this instance of 'passing out' didn't involve alcohol or narcotics. well, in the end it involved narcotics because i didn't have to go to work for the rest of the summer and instead got to take pain pills for my spine at the beach with my hot younger girlfriend.

i've passed out in a cab a time or two. that's got to really suck for cab drivers. i imagine this happens quite frequently. one time i took a cab back to southie and couldn't afford it. we came to the light at dorchester and west broadway and i jumped out of that bitch and ran. this cabbie was faster than i gave him credit for and he caught up to me. he held me hostage until i could get my friend matt to give him fourteen bucks. matt's always had a sense of humor about things like this. he thought it was just great.

2010-03-11T05:32:00.001-08:00

the day that corey haim died
by john ryan gallagher

confidence, charisma, and vulnerability (vulneraboner) are the first three words that come to mind when i think about corey haim.

a few weeks ago i watched the self-produced promotional documentary on haim (by haim) called ‘me, myself, and i’. at one point he candidly professed in an interview that he was looking forward to playing ‘the older brother’ in movies, and possibly ‘the only brother’. first-off, i laughed so hard when he said this that diet mountain dew came out of my nose. we actually played it back about nine times. but the more i think about it, the more insight i see into the life of someone who always felt misrepresented. in the wake of his death it no longer seems funny; it seems more like someone in desperate need of casting off a shadow that hangs over him. haim was never able to make that leap to portraying the older brother, or the only brother. instead he suffered.

there has always been a part of me that has been able to identify with, or even wish to be like corey haim. i wanted his charisma and confidence, but i could also relate to his vulnerability and self-doubt. he wasn’t corey feldman. he didn’t always have the cool things to say or the best sunglasses, but he was always close. i have to imagine that a great deal of their friendship in real life mirrored the images and characters we saw them play on screen. he was so often the ’second fiddle’, that you can’t help but feel how under appreciated he must have felt. i’ve always believed that audiences are more aware of things like this than we give them credit for. that is why i think a great deal of people have or had a strong-rooted connection with him. sometimes we don’t always like the coolest person the most; we like the one that seems the most like us. this is why i think the news of his death has hit home harder than some of us would have anticipated.

less than forty-eight hours before his death i released this tweet about haim:

“for a good laugh: check out corey haim’s OFFICIAL website: http://www.coreyhaim.us/”

i had come across it while looking for images on the star during my monday morning tumblr session. it was really sad. his official website was a joke and shitshow. it looked like something an elderly man would have made in an internet workshop at his local library. it made him seem like a community thespian looking for work in the wrong places. today my friend aux_fox texted me to say that it was me that killed haim. i feel awful for posting that now. i guess it’s even more insight into the downward spiral in which he had unraveled.

good night, sweet prince. good night, lucas. the truth is, i really liked you. you and river can ride the speedball highway in heaven all night!

2010-03-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

eight car crashes
by john ryan gallagher

my friend cassie used to get drunk all the time and piss where she slept. one summer she dated this guy that liked to pull similar tricks. the two of them would wake up in the morning and say it was the other one. one time cassie picked me up in a snowstorm and seconds later we drove headfirst into a plow in her dumb ford tempo. it wasn't a bad accident, but it was a pain in the ass and we spent the rest of the night filling out forms in a police station. one time i borrowed that same car and it broke down and i just abandoned it. i still had yet to get my license. a few days later she was like, 'dude, where's my car?' and i told her that it was in front of 'black bear' campground. she got some tow-truck all the way out to 'black bear' campground, only to discover that the car was nowhere around. turns out i had shitcanned it by a totally different campground in a different town and state (new hampshire). so solly.

one day when i was fifteen i gots me a detention. i called my moms and asked for a ride home. she asked why and when i gave her the truth, she told me to walk my ass home. so i'm walking and it's cold and these girls pull over and say, 'hay J.R., you want a ride?' i hopped in that bitch and we took off towards my house. things were going great until this whore from rhode island ran a stop sign and we crashed right into her. i wasn't wearing my seatbelt, and i knocked my front teeth out on the head rest in front of me. as i was carted away in the ambulance (i like to call it an 'amba-lance'), the song 'every breath you take' by the police was playing. i remember feeling like i was inside a black and white world (like that video) at the time.

the next year i went up to montreal with some friends. i remember getting up to the border and realizing that i had forgotten my identification. luckily i had my father's library card in my girlfriend's glove compartment and that was good enough to get in back then. so we go up and do the typical american tom-foolery and then drive back the next day - only my (then) girlfriend drove us off the road and spun us across the highway and into a crazy ditch. we were listening to the trainspotting soundtrack (on cassette) from a boombox that was situated in the backseat. we killed that car and the boombox. that thing almost went through the ceiling. the tape was ruined forever too. 'lust for life' was playing. we got taken by amba-lance to some lame hospital where they treated us for whiplash. we left our credit cards in the destroyed car and the hospital wanted nothing to do with us. one of the male nurses made my girlfriend completely undress in front of him. they spoke to us in french the entire time, and we had no idea what they were saying. we had to have someone drive up and put down some cash to spring us. it was shitty.

so then one time i was joyriding in the middle of nowhere with some friends one night, and we hit a patch of black ice and wound up driving through a telephone pole and into another ditch. the girl that was behind the wheel was half in the bag, and we all had open cans of suds. this time my head went off the ceiling of the car. hers hit her steering wheel, and she had this dumbass cut on her forehead that took an entire summer to heal. she looked like a walking ass-clown. anyway, we got out of the car and pushed it back onto the street. these kids pulled up and asked if we were okay. they'd seen the whole thing and were fearing for our safety. my friend mike looked them dead on and said, 'get the fuck out of here'. they sped away in fear. so did we. somehow we got that girl's car back to her home and that thing sat in her driveway for years and years. it was a nice car too. there was just no way to file the claim without looking like you'd sped away from the scene of a crime.

one christmas eve i had to drive down to the south shore to get that same girl's oldass grandparents. (note: they are both dead now.) we got ass-blasted (rear-ended) on route one in revere right by the movie theater. the rear windshield shattered and i was picking glass out of my hair until new years. i caught another slight case of the whiplash here too, only not as bad. this girl really was a shitty driver. to make a long story short, that wasn't the worst part. the worst part was that we were able to get the car to re-start and still had to go get those old clowns. once we picked them up, all they did was fight with one another all the way back to newburyport. here it is, christmas (i love christmas!), and i'm stuck with whiplash, cuts in my head, and two crotchety-clowns who were alive before electricity, screaming and pushing each other around in the backseat.

one time i rode in this other band's van to a show we were playing with them in gloucester, massachusetts. these dudes were from toronto and were lots of fun. they said things like 'eh?', and weren't afraid to stay up all night on a school night. i forget the exact logistics of the accident, but i know that we were in the wrong and that we sideswiped these douchers in a honda prelude. from the moment we got out of the car, we instantly told them that their directional was pointing in the wrong direction for which it was supposed to be pointing when the accident took place. i don't remember if we even discussed it before we got out - we just went for it. for some reason the cops were on our side, which is weird because we were a bunch of candadian rockers (all except for me). there were a variety of substances onboard the vehicle, along with open containers; we were in east jock strap, and we also had some weird personal hygiene going on. i think maybe one of the police officials was a cop rocker or something like that. they were all super interested in what we were doing and supportive. afterwards that band took off back to canada and never heard about the accident again. i think what it was was that the guys in the prelude were dicks and turned into the assholes real fast-like. when we got to gloucester we were already super late, but we hit up this bar called 'the rigger' before going anywhere.

the cool part about this list is that i am not responsible for most of these. i am, however, responsible for the time i totally destroyed and totaled this new white hyundai my moms got. i know, real classy. i had stayed up all night and had to work construction one morning. i was sharing a car with my moms at the time as i hadn't had my license for very long. (note: i didn't start driving until later in life.) so i drop her off at work and then i gloomily headed towards the shitty factory i was working in. somewhere along the way i decided to take myself a quick nap and it didn't work out so well. the next thing i knew i was off the road and smashed into a tree. 'candle' by sonic youth was playing when it happened. i was listening to 'daydream nation' on cd. i fractured my spine. the positive news was that i no longer had to work on that renovation project and i got to take pills and go the beach all summer with my hot younger girlfriend. you do the math.

2010-03-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

three people are born every second on this planet. that means that 720 peeps came to fruition while i was just picking my nose.

there must be something wrong with my razor. i have shaved twice today, yet my face still feels as stubbly as mariah carey's ass.

the happiest i see my friends now is when they get their first iphone.

if anyone is in need of some problems, I have some extra ones I can spare.

just had an appointment with destiny... dunkin' fxckin' donuts.

bad news: just got my period. good news: i am not preggers.

this girl in my last class had a herpe on her lip so big i could smell it.

george michael wants your sex. i just want your snacks.

just woke up. note: i do not feel like p. diddy.

anthony michael hall passed up 'ferris bueller' in order to do 'out of bounds'. how many times a day do you think he regrets this decision?

anyone who has taken their laptop to the toilet with them in the past four or five days may as well unfollow me.

2010-03-04T09:13:00.000-08:00

50 things we learned about david lee roth from van halen one
by john ryan gallagher

he lives his life like there is no tomorrow (runnin' with the devil)

he's had to steal everything he's ever had

he doesn't need to beg or borrow

he lives at a pace that kills

he found that the simple life isn't as simple as it seems

he has no love we'd call, 'real love'

he has nobody waiting at home

someone's really got him and they have him unsure of what he's doing

along with that they have made it so that he doesn't know where he is going

they also have made it so that he can't sleep at night

he doesn't want this person to leave and only wishes to be by their side (you really got me)

his love is rotten to the core (aint talkin' bout love)

he's not talking about love

he has what you need

he thinks you're 'semi-good looking'

he went to the edge once and looked down

while there he lost a lot of friends

he has no time to mess around

he is the one, the one you love

he sees glows that fill rooms and sometimes he sees it roll off of you (i'm the one)

he is a victim of the science age (atomic punk)

he is a child of the storm.

he doesn't remember being your age

no one rules the streets at night except for him

he rules the netherworlds and his name is hung every wall

he will take you far in the back of his car

he REALLY can't wait to feel your love tonight

he will sometimes have his friends tell a girl how fine she is

he's not afraid to beg

he's your ice cream man and he often has something for you

all of his flavors are guaranteed to satisfy (ice cream man)

he has push-up pops, dixie cups, and banana pops

if you turn on your radio he will instantly appear (on fire)

he rides sonic waves

he REALLY likes to talk about himself

2010-02-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

new playlist
by john ryan gallagher

click dis: http://bit.ly/11wT4b

2010-02-21T17:35:00.000-08:00

(so far) my ten favorite songs of '10
by john ryan gallagher

you must be out of your mind by the magnetic fields

swim by surfer blood

rocket by goldfrapp

odessa by caribou

norway by beach house

take it in by hot chip

dream city by free energy

promises by the morning benders

my baby left me by rox

let me take you out by class actress

honrable mentions:

stick to my side by pantha du prince featuring panda bear

baby i'm yours by breakbot

marching through your head by zeus

2010-02-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

a tale of ten (shitty) jobs
by john ryan gallagher

my first real job was making pizzas at this place downtown. i worked with all of my friends. we smoked weed and listened to jane's addiction. it was good fun. one day the management approached tom and me and asked if we would walk around town and place these flyers on people's doors. it was this lame promotion they were doing. there was some deal where with every coupon that came back, we each got twelve cents. so they gave us the flyers and tom and i hit the first cemetery we saw and smoked a whole bag of weed. i vaguely recall talking about how much we thought jethro tull sucked. afterwards, we found a friend to give us a lift to another town where we promptly ditched the flyers in a weird dumpster. then we went to a different pizza establishment and ate like kings... all the while we were still on the clock for our place of employment. hours later we stumbled back and clocked out. weeks went by and not a single flyer came back. we were finally confronted by our boss. he was pissed. he called us slackers. we were.

the job i had before that was mowing this lady's lawn. she would sunbathe on a lawnchair sometimes while i cut the grass right beside her. the weird part was that i knew she had had a mastectomy. she would lie face down/ass up on the chair with her top off. i was always afraid she would turn around and i would see her naked. she never did. i always thought it was weird that i was aroused by a woman without breasts.

when the pizza shop went bankrupt i had to work in this cave washing dishes. my boss was this older lady who had gone out with rick james during his huge 'superfreak' disco days. i remember instantly thinking that she must have herpes. at the time i hadn't met anyone with herpes. she lived above the restaurant and they were definitely doing bad things up there. one day this nice English guy overdosed and died up there. this was one of my least favorite jobs. she would toss burning hot pans at me and want them back instantly. the only saving grace was that i could smoke while i washed the dishes. that was cool for the first two shifts. then the reality set in. one day i wrote her a note saying i quit and left it in the mail slot. i never looked back.

for a while i worked at blockbuster video. that job sucked too. the only cool part was that for the first hour of my shift (before the store opened) i could watch any movie i wanted. every morning i went in and put 'moving' with richard pryor on. by day 45 even i was getting sick of it. still, i had to keep going. it drove my manager so nuts that he literally freaked out one day. fucking guy almost cried. one of the things that i hated about the job was that people would FREAK out about their late fees. i didn't like dealing with that so i would always erase them. the manager got pissed about that too and started giving me way less shifts. finally, i said fuck it to blockbuster.

i spent some time working on this renovation project in these factory buildings in haverhill. naturally, that job sucked too. i worked with this guy that looked like a sewer rat. he was a grown man with a two-foot long (braided) rat tail. he had lost all his teeth freebasing years prior. he was nice, but also kinda shady. one day we were loading these french doors into a trash compressor. the french door got jammed going down the trash shoot, so he jumped in and tried to break it down with his feet. the fucking guy put his foot right through one of the window panes. there was blood everywhere. sure enough the guy didn't have insurance and refused to go to the hospital. he put caulk into his wound to try and plug it up. he was bleeding everywhere. we had just roasted a joint and i was so afraid i was going to catch aids from his weird blood. my uncle was our boss and when he came back i hid because i was so scared.

one of the cushiest jobs i had was working as a barback at a restaurant on the water in my hometown. i got muscles lifting kegs and cases of beer. i got to work around some nice looking skirts. i really wanted this job to feel like 'cocktail' and some of the time it literally did. i convinced the chef to make me popcorn chicken each night at the end of my shift. it was real easy. all he did was cut up the chicken fingers into little pieces and then put them in the frialator. after a while, i grew tits. when no one was looking i used to take eggs from the cooler and chuck them at boats in the harbor. every now and then i would help myself to a little drink. one time i raged in the city and missed the train back to catch my shift. i called the manager on duty from a payphone and told her that my friend had been hit by a bus. i don't even know where that lie came from. later that night i saw that same manager on duty while i was out at a bar and i cowered in her presence. she knew i lied, but weirdly thought it was amusing and funny.

i had to go build decks with my uncle on saturdays for a while. that sucked because when people do sidejobs, they hustle because they know they are making big bucks if they get it all done in one day. i had been balls deep into a stiff drunk the night before and when i would arrive on the job site at seven am, i was usually still blitzed. i remember one day honestly feeling like i was going to die. to this day, i have never not wanted to be where i was, moreso than i was that day. does that make sense? when no one was looking, i would sneak a puke and/or drink from someone's garden hose. i remember wanting to cut myself so deeply that i had to go to the hospital or i would wish for a tornado to come and just fucking tear us all up.

then i worked for this tough bastard as a clerk in a magazine shop. old men would try to sneak pornos into the men's room, and i would have to freak out on them. you'd be amazed at the normalcy of the types of guys that would do this shit. i still can't fathom why people still buy hardcopy porno when we have the internets at our fingertips. anyways, my boss wasn't afraid of anything; he was awesome. he threatened people with violence on a regular basis. he was in his late seventies and had some serious cancer going on. i envied his vigor and rage. one time when he was firing a girl and she started crying, he said to her, 'your tears don't turn me on'. i love that.

one of my favorite jobs i ever had was temping for this pharma company in cambridge. they gave me this project to do and i did it in about forty minutes. i spent the next three months surfing the internets. the only problem was that they blocked facebook, so i started this weird fantasy football league with strangers and got overly into it.

i used to have to give tours of my old college to incoming freshmen. they never gave me a proper tutorial on how to do it, so i would walk kids and their families around and make up answers to their questions. i was truly clueless and overly hungover. i remember farting when we touring a dormitory and having moms and dads and sisters start gagging and giggling. i went along with them and pulled my shirt over my face. just another shitshow.

2010-02-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

ten pills they gave me for sleeping (that didn't work)
by john ryan gallagher

trazodone

all this one did was give me uncomftaboners and prevent me from falling asleep. it literally warns you about this side-effect on the bottle. generally i'm not afraid of the boner, so i disregarded this sidenote. this is the drug that they give to people in early recovery or sobriety. it is supposedly non-addictive and non-habit forming. needless to say, if that's the way it is, odds are it's going to be shitty.

ambien

this shit was pretty good, but whenever i would take it, i would wind up sleep-eating entire cakes and quarts of ice cream. i grew tits but kept to a strict sleeping regimen. i won't lie. a few times i took this before i went out at night. i wound up eating loads of buffalo wings and yapping to strangers about the end of 'st. elmo's fire'.

lunesta

after i'd put in the solid eight hours on this stuff, i'd roll out of bed with the worst taste in my mouth. there was no way to get away from it. the taste was with me throughout the entire morning and into the afternoon. i could brush my teefs a million times, gargle with mouthwash, chug gatorAIDS, or use mints... still there. the best way to describe it would be to picture a bird landing on your lips and then shitting on your tongue.

benadryl

never really tore my skirt up but i knew a guy that used to eat an entire box and watch 'friday' and 'next friday' back to back to back.

seroquel

nothing has knocked me on my ass the way that this shit did. i would take 50 mg's of this and be out like a light for three days. this is an antipsychotic that's used to help treat bi-polar disorders, and even schizophrenia. when it is given to those patients, it helps straighten them out and lets them function like reasonable individuals. to the rest of society, it puts you in a deep, dark sleep and when you wake up, the next two or three days later, you don't really give a shit about anything anymore - often times you say, 'fuck it', and go back to bed. you could literally have entered my house and penetrated my ass with a 2 x 4 and i wouldn't have cared. i ate the entire house on this shit too. i've heard tell that junkies pay pretty good money for this on the street as it aids them in coming down.

clonidine

don't let the name fool you... this shit sucks. didn't put me to sleep, didn't do anything. it was a waste of my time and a co-payment.

roseram

i don't remember what this shit did to me. i'm assuming it was unremarkable.

tylenol pm

i was never able to tolerate a tylenol pm hangover. this stuff will make you sleepy, but it always feels like a dirty kind of sleepy. i consider this the natty ice lite of sleeping tabs.

gabepentin

lame. next, please.

3 clonopins and half a joint

the most foolproof method i ever tried. works every time. the problem is that it leads to other things... other bad things.

i've tried everything... exercise, warm milk, masturbation, pills, getting up and doing something else, etc. feel free to comment or email: billyjoelfan69@gmail.com if you have any suggestions.

2010-02-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

it's just not in my constitution to trust anyone talking on a payphone in 2010.

i think i just got my period.

@JaneAsher2 "give them thy fingers, me thy lips to kiss." - sonnet 128

i don't care what anyone says... 'sleeping with the enemy' was an amazing follow-up to 'pretty woman' for julia roberts.

last week when i was sick i bought and tried so many cold medicines that i swear cvs put me on some sort of robotripper list.

just put transmission fluid where the power steering fluid is supposed to go. fmc: fuck my car.

just saw a guy on a bike hit a patch of black ice and completely eat shit on route 114. almost spit my coffee out laughing. sorry, dude.

the other night this homeless joker asked for me 1$ so he could buy some more coke. i was so appreciative of his honesty that i gave him 2$.

don't make me ass-punch you.

if you need me in the next forty minutes, i will be chewing nicotine gum in the shower while listening to mariah carey.

i think for dinner i will have a skittle salad.

i'm just gonna watch this movie with chevy chase and benji and zen tha fxck out.

i waved to this girl today. she didn't wave back. instinctively, i gave her the finger. then she made a face like dis: http://bit.ly/52hUdG

2010-02-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

six things about myself (that i probably shouldn't tell you)
by john ryan gallagher

i saw 'father of the bride' two times in the theater. both times i went by myself.

in high school i ran track one spring because i thought it would look good on my college applications. i was terrible at running. for the junior varsity meets they would ask us what our personal running record was so they could place us into matches accordingly. i lied and said mine was much worse than it actually was. i ran against a bunch of fat kids and they still beat me.

i have this weird mole on my back that should probably be sawed off. sometimes it grows one fur. i've always been self conscious about this one fur. periodically, i have to take a razor and shave it off. recently i took this fur and mailed it to a friend.

when ironic moustaches were cool, i grew one as much as i could. to compensate for my inability to grow a full magnum 'stache, i would take a make up pencil and darken that shit in.

an english teacher once told me i was the sole reason for her considering quitting teaching. the rough part is that my moms was an english teacher too, and if she ever found out about this, i'm sure a big part of her heart would be broken. i basically paid zero attention to this teacher's lessons and instead drafted billy joel lists all class. one of my favorite lists involved each year of joel's career with drawings of the types of shoes he wore that year. in the end the teacher came around and even began collecting my billy joel lists. i won her over but it was hard fought.

(above) this is my all-time favorite photograph of myself.

2010-02-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

the real meanings behind cool songs (part one)
by john ryan gallagher

to sir with love by lulu

this song means that even though you are old and my teacher and of another race - i still want you in my bootyholes.

luka

hi, i am suzanne vega hiding behind a lame name. i live above you. sometimes you fight down there. i am overly dramatic and think that your dad is a beater. really you guys are just a normal family. in fact, you are probably the asshole and not your drunken father.

in the air tonight

in a desperate pursuit of songwriting inspiration, phil collins went to the cinema and saw 'friday the 13th'. he went home and wrote this number, naked, in response to the drowning of jason vorhees in crystal lake. seven months later the song was released and the rest was history.

"well if you told me you were drowning i would not lend a hand..."

(note: in the film the camp counselors refuse to save the drowning boy, whose mother later returns to the camp, only to slaughter the remaining counselors. (did you really need me to tell you dat?) people think phil collins is all smart and deep, but really he just stole this shit from a movie. i don't know why no one ever mentions this.)

jump by van halen

i'm not lying about this one: the true sentiment behind this song is to jump off the building and kill yourself, rather than stand up there and threaten to. it's a metaphor for, don't just say you're going to do something. do it.

little red corvette

you're cooter is amazing and it rides me quite nicely. i am insecure and i'm not sure i deserve it. it has driven around the block a few times, but that is okay with me. my only request is that you slow down because i'm going to cum too fast.

take it on the run by reo speedwagon

originally this song was penned as 'take it up the bum' but the studio execs at epic insisted that gary richrath change the name and subject matter.

the gypsy by fleetwood mac

this song was written about the midget that was hired to blow the coke up stevie's butt in the little closet they built for her to change her scarves on the side of the stage.

bad company by bad company

these fatties got stoned on hawain reefer and decided it would be earthshattering if they were to write a song with the same name as their band. lame.

i'm on fire by bruce springsteen

at night i wake up with the sheets soaking wet because i get shithoused drunk and i piss where i sleep.

2010-01-25T16:28:00.000-08:00

ten marks
by john ryan gallagher

I. mark hatcher was a bully. in the fourth grade he proclaimed that the left urinal in the boy's room only be used by himself. anyone caught trespassing upon this urinal would be brutally punished. time elapsed and one morning i forgot said rule. within no time i was ripped from this toilet mid-piss and shoved a great distance. i pissed straight lines across the backs of three other classmates' pants. hatcher was fuming... so were the other dudes. this mark now sells insurance.

II. my friend mark andrews got stabbed once and he (later) told me that the wound emitted an odor that smelt like macaroni and cheese. this has stayed with me for quite some time.

III. mark hoss usually had a steady supply of blow and mushrooms that he was always more than generous with. he had the weirdest speech impediment which i can only deduce was a result from such luxuriant vices. it was like a cross between bobcat goldthwait and jimmy stewart - yet everything he said sounded like a question. one time he went behind 'twin donut' in allston and took a shit on the pavement. i guess i never really forgave him for that one. have only seen him in passing since.

IV. mark harmon was in incredible in 'summer school'. it's hands down my favorite male performance in a motion picture.

V. in school, i don't know why i never liked mark ______ . he never did anything to me. one day i wrote a song about him. the beginning went like this:

C/G
the death of mark ______ came as no surprise
F
we watched him die
Am
we didn't cry

VI. in the seventh grade i had to go on this weird bus trip to washington d.c. with school. it was memorial day weekend and that place was hot as a bitch. on the way home (somewhere near one of the roy rogers stops in new jersey) this peedophile pulled up alongside the bus in an iroc z with the t roofs off. he was literally beating his prick from the left to the right. our chaperon, mark donahue, jumped from his seat and pounded on the glass, demanding the man go away and leave us alone. the irony was, i'm sure that a part of mark might have liked it. when we got home and saw our parents all we talked about was this incident. screw the museums, monuments, and sweet times. the dude's hog was literally the size of baseball bat.

VII. free mark.

VIII. mark hamill was luke skywalker. i hate when luke goes home and finds his dickhead aunt and uncle dead and then he cries and looks into the multiple setting suns. pussy.

IX. vin diesel's real name is mark sinclair vincent. that movie 'xxx' was pretty fly.

X. one summer my childhood friend mark ferrandini and i built an amazing fort in the woods. the problem with this was, we were twenty-three. the only reason we designed and constructed this hideout, was to have an alternate venue for binge drinking. we almost burnt down the western side of our hometown that summer. finally these dads came out and tore our shit down. muthafuckaz.

note: italicized last names means i had to change that shit.

have a good mark story? feel free to comment or email: billyjoelfan69@gmail.com

2010-01-22T12:27:00.001-08:00

2010-01-21T16:53:00.000-08:00

ten thangs
by john ryan gallagher

a. sometimes at night i pry my cat's mouth open to smell his weird breath. this was actually something that was shown to me by someone else. it's pretty neat.

b. these are the classes i am taking this semester: global communications, introduction to sociology, world of cells, severe and extreme weather, and introduction to american politics. in addition to these i am taking a bio lab on wednesday afternoons.

c. i finally broke down and got netflix. here is what they've sent me so far: 'shamus', 'bluebeard's eighth wife', 'year of the dragon', 'oh heavenly dog', 'the good fairy', 'worth winning', and 'they all laughed'. my que looks like dis': 'real life', 'dixie dynamite', 'critical condition', 'the gambler', 'the new kids', and 'lady for a day'.

d. last week at the gym i saw this old fat dude completely bare-ass and i couldn't keep myself from laughing at him. usually i opt to freeze when venturing to the gym in my fitness clothes. it had probably been close to two decades since i've seen a man totally naked like that. i hope he didn't catch on that i was uncomfortably laughing at him. when you do shit like that it always comes back to bite you in the ass. for example, if you make fun of people that stutter or have hammertime teef's, sooner or later you start to stutter or develop a crooked smile. i don't wanna look like that man when i am growns up.

e. the other day at the moma i was wondering what i would have to do in order to get tazed by one of the creepy/weird/lurking security guards. but then i wondered what it would take for them to become so infuriated that they would taze my friend abby too. there's something inside all of us that likes to stare utter danger in the face. a traditional example is when you are driving down the road and a big truck is heading your way and you know that you could jerk the wheel and hit-up the big sleep. these thoughts are entertained by a majority of us - yet we don't act upon these impulses. this was sorta like that but there's also the added bonus or recognition that one could gain by desecrating priceless works of art.

f. i like foursquare.

g. my dad wrote me a liberal-bashing email today. he mentioned the town of 'hyannis' three times in this email, however, each time he wrote the town's name, he spelt it a different way. i didn't really have a response for the shit he was rambling about so i corrected his grammar and spelling and it sent it back to him.

h. free.

i. it turns out there are two movies (that i know of) where men are preggers. one, of course, is 'junior' with arnold. the other is this joint called 'rabbit test' from the 70's with billy crystal. from what i hear, this movie is absolutely terrible. still, i really want to see this. you have to ask yourself, which is a more loaded premise for a movie, the pregnant man, or the goddamn tooth fairy.

j. since i've got this new berry with these new digits, these people continuously call me and demand things to me in spanish. i have no idea what they are saying. the only things i know how to say in spanish are: 'arroz con pollo' (chicken w/ rice), 'donde esta la playa' (where is the beach?) (this is also a song by the walkmen), 'te voy a cortar' (i'm gonna cut you), and 'yo no se' (i don't know). so i say these things to them and they start laughing. in part, i think they continue to call back in order to hear the crazy spanglish i am going to say to them. the other part of them is probably trying to find their cool friend that owes them some dinero.

2010-01-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

2010-01-15T08:20:00.000-08:00

email to my friend jackie about the dream i had last night
by john ryan gallagher

jackie,

last night i dreamt that we were roommates in an old house in watertown. for some reason the weird chinaman that we rented from lived in the same unit as us. anyway, one day you had the shits and kept having to use the bathroom. every time you went in, the chinaman would shoot you dirty looks. eventually you got so stressed out that you asked me what to do. i told you that he was from the old school and that he saw your problem as something that was costing him money. i offered you a ride to mt. auburn hospital where you could go freely. you accepted but i was afraid you were going to shit your pants in my car. after i dropped you off, i went to a mall and stole a dan marino jersey.

the end.

JRG

2010-01-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

shit from a cold week
by john ryan gallagher

i am impressed and inspired by the response i've seen from friends in regards to the crisis in haiti.

just what i wanted to do today: read about the shit you just did in farmville. here's a quarter - go buy a life.

i left a wet towel on my bed before going out tonight. it feels like nell carter had sex on this bitch while i was gone. sleep well. nini.

jay leno has a vagina.

just me and one other dipshit inside the three pm showing of 'youth in revolt'.

alex told me there was a new season of 'eastbound and down' starting tonight. come-to-find-out, this was total bullshit. i'm gonna cut him.

i went old school and tried to eat myself out from underneath my patriots grief. it didn't work.

today i heard my dad tell someone that women are easy to pick up but impossible to get rid of.

i saw steve guttenberg's weird/bare dick in a movie today. it was called 'the man who wasn't there'. yes!

unsolicited advice for the day: if she looks like skeletor - don't sleep with her.

i think i might travel to rush limbaugh's hopsital bed today and break his ass - not in a sexual way, but in a literal one.

if you change the 'o' to a 'p' in 'heroes' - you get herpes. this is in regards to the show - not the awesome club night.

i wish my peeps on fbook would stop endlessly feeling sorry for themselves and complaining about their insignifcant white people problems.

once my stepmother sent me this ken doll because she said it looked like me. i didn't like the gesture so i cut its hands off.

i don't know what it means, but i feel prognosticated today.

2010-01-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

eight movies i watched dis' week
by john ryan gallagher

2010-01-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

email from my dad to my mom
written by padre gallagher

Did you watch yesterday's debacle? My long time pastime of watching pro-sports has taken a tragic end. The game put me in a state of depression , second to none. I need to find new interests. Maybe I will be like the gay guys and get interested in musicals. Maybe I will start hitting the museums. How about the Wool Museum in North Andover? Poetry readings also come in to mind. Needle point, stamp collecting, wood carving,....ANYTHING but pro-sports. The Celtics, the Bruins, the Red Sox, can all go to hell in a hand bag. Keep me away from the windows, lock the medicine cabinet, hide the sharp objects, I'll be OK. Hope all is well, John.

2010-01-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

2010-01-03T15:25:00.000-08:00

2009-12-30T13:27:00.000-08:00

my top ten favorite times of '09
by john ryan gallagher

-climbing camel's hump in vermont during our amazing camping trip in july.

-lady gaga at the wang theater. my favorite part was the audience response at the end. it was comparable to an nfl championship being won at home. fucking nuts.

-red sox opening day. saw teddy kennedy throw out the first pitch. froze my ass off. my cousins only embarrassed me on a minimal level. paid $75 to park. still an awesome time.

-cranes beach day during the heat wave. sarah and her girlfriends, tom and linc - perfect beach day. linc got the chafe from some stupid bathing suit he was wearing. so many great beach times this year.

-freezepop singing happy birthday to me back in may. one of the best bdays ever.

-the night we played the annex in nyc was pretty incredible. the 'trash' dance party afterwards was crazy. this skank got buck naked on the stage. i got some pics but none of her booty holes. we had some great shows this year but i think this one took the cake. the next day (and without sleep) we went and played at umass and then waaf.

-the sunset sail around boston harbor with debbie, jenny, james, jeff, neal, and vicky.

-the st. patrick's day parade w/ jenny, mary kate, and amy paymee. beautiful weather and fun times in southie. ran into julian and talked with him for thirty minutes though he still denies this.

-marathon monday was fun because i got to see my uncle jim run by. i convinced everyone at sarah and kara's to shout his name and cheer him on. he pretended not to see us. my friends were like, 'is that guy really your uncle'? turns out he was 'in the zone'. 'damn, dude, show some respect'.

-4th of july fireworks on the esplanade. i got this thing called a double-decker soft serve from these irish dudes in an ice cream truck. yum.

-finally cutting that mop of hair off my head and donating it to locks of love.

2009-12-29T14:58:00.000-08:00

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

just woke up feeling the way my aunt did after prom night... sore and stupid.

i have been in wal mart for so long that i am going to smell like this bitch when i leave.

using the free wi-fi on this train is like pissing into the wind.

dear '60 minutes', thanks for alway scaring me.

sometimes the story of my life is committing to plans i don't want to participate in

peyton is sobbing so hard i can hear him in cambridge.

this episode of 'true life' makes me want to go upstairs and cut myself.

if it's 10° and you're still riding your bike to work, i'm going to assume that someone didn't love you very much when you were young.

in hell the only person you get to hang out with is the dad from 'fraiser'.

for christmas i want a tattoo that says, in font geneva, 'stop feeling sorry for yourself'.

i wish meg ryan and tom hanks were married in real life.

white knuckle ride through the blizzard in cambridge. mr. amazing/insane cape verdean cab driver blasting andre bocelli: you rule!

there's a show on at eight called 'mysteries of new hampshire'. maybe it will explain why it's home to so many assholes.

i heard there is a movie that accidentally shows one of john ritter's nuts. awesome.

2009-12-26T08:31:00.000-08:00

email from my dad
by j.j. gallagher

Hi JR.I was glad to hear the holiday went well.I had fun yesterday.I bought a spiral ham for Christmas dinner. The problem was the ham was big enough to feed Eastern Europe.Cooking the ham, basting the ham....all that crap I have never done before.I even made mashed potatos , hard as hell,but they were potatos. In the freezer I found two frozen pies, minced and cherry.The pies had been there since my senior year in high school.I cooked them as well and they came out great !2009 was the first Christmas I have spent in my own home in almost a decade. My favorite day of the year, my Christmas, is always December 23rd....the day I visit with you. Love, Dad.

2009-12-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

my top twenty-six favorite songs of '09
by john ryan gallagher

headresss by amazing baby

bad romance by lady gaga

party in the usa by miley cyrus

cheerleader by grizzly bear

we made you by eminem

to lose my life by white lies

lust for life by girls

i will come back holy ghost

i want to kill by crocodiles

empire state of mind by jay z

lovesick lindstrom and christabelle

magic by ladyhawke

manteo by love language

the fun powder plot by wild beasts

obsessed by mariah carey

little secrets by passion pit

bicycle by memory tapes

rich girls by virgins

audacity of huge by simian mobile disco

it doesn't matter by cut off your hands

miss me kiss my by cold flamez

velvet by big pink

new theory by washed out

bulletproof by la roux

you are the worst thing in the world by telefon tel aviv

zero by yeah yeah yeahs

and hazel by the junior boys.

honorable mentions:

i know you want me by pitbull
hell by tegan and sara
up all night by french horn rebellion
ecstasy by jj
i dreamt that i dreamt that you loved me in your dreams by favours for sailors
she wolf by shakira
in for the kill (skream's let's get ravy mix) by la roux
knock you down by keri hilson
stillness is the move by dirty projectors
11th dimension by julian casablancas
turn my swag on by soulja boy

feedback and comments: billyjoelfan69@gmail.com

2009-12-23T05:45:00.001-08:00

fourteen things i learned from prince
by john ryan gallagher

if you park your car sideways, it's not going to last. ('little red corvette')

it's cool to have girls in your band. (fact. see: wendy and lisa)

the seven deadly sins stand in the way of love. ('7')

things are harder in this life than in the afterworld. ('let's go crazy')

overcast days don't turn me on either. ('raspberry beret')

horse = another name for heroin. ('sign o' the times')

uptown is better than downtown. ('uptown')

note : i'm not a fan of 'ida' but i saw them absolutely slay this song once.

ass-less pants are dope. (fact)

he's not a woman or a man. ('i would die 4 u')

it's possible to have an attitude without watching 'dynasty'. (kiss)

the beautiful ones will hurt you everytime. ('the beautiful ones')

it's not cheating if you take a bath with someone else but leave your pants on. ('the ballad of dorothy parker')

there's a place in minnesota called lake minnetonka. (fact. see: 'purple rain' movie)

note: i spent a week in st. paul once. the only thing i wanted to do was get krunked and visit that lake.

at least 23 sexual positions exist. ('get off')

.

2009-12-21T13:42:00.001-08:00

twenty-six apologies*
by john ryan gallagher

andrew

sorry about the time i used your fake i.d. and it was taken away by the authorities. i'm sure it cost a ton to hire that lawyer to keep them from expelling you from boston university.

ben

the other night when i texted you to ask what you were doing, and you said, 'babysitting', i'm sorry that i wrote back, 'don't molest them'. i haven't heard from you since and i can only assume that you didn't find that as funny as i did.

curtis

it was wrong for me to maliciously break your chair after the oasis concert. i was totally nuked and when you asked us to be quiet so you could study, it really upset me. i was put-off by the fact that you always had to read your school work out loud. i know now that this was my issue and that i should have been more understanding. you were an awesome roommate, but an even better friend. miss you, dude.

dave s.

don't know why i always felt the need to look you up in the directory and prank you every time i visited umass amherst. we were always polite acquaintances, and even i never understood why you were a target. please forgive me, i know not what i do.

evan

still very sorry about the time i told you and your girlfriend that you guys looked like a couple of fucks standing in the cold on the lower east side. i meant it in an endearing sorta way - i recognize it didn't come across like that. don't be mad at me, my brother.

frank

i shouldn't have carved matt kulik's name onto the stall door of one of your toilets. i recognize this was an act of vandalism, but to my defense, it says worse things in that bathroom.

gibby

remember the time i convinced you to punch a hole in the wall of that weird party we were at? i probably shouldn't have done that. when you were ejected i should have fessed up to being the instigator. instead i think i stayed there for two more days.

hans

please forgive me for tormenting you when you went through that phase of wearing that hair-pick comb in your weird afro. i should have been more understanding of your expression. not for nothing, but you are white.

ian

i shouldn't have written you off after the time i went into the men's room behind you and it smelt like someone had died in there. it was the first time i'd met you, and i probably shouldn't have cast a judgment so hastily. it was also wrong for me to announce this to everyone, even your own close, personal friends. but really, dude, that shit was just nasty.

jonathan

i shouldn't have made that 'madea goes to saugus' picture in paint with you as madea. i'll admit i went too far with collecting images of your sisters and cousins and putting them on there as well. i probably shouldn't have plastered that shit all over facebook. lo siento.

kate

in the eighth grade i used to poke fun of you because you had an immense gap between your teeth. i probably did this because i was insecure, or because somehow, it weirdly turned me on. as luck would have it, the following year i developed an even greater gap between my front two teeth. it was an important lesson. what comes around, goes around. i used to make fun of this other friend because he started balding at an early age. once again, this bit me in the ass and the same thing happened to me the following year.

lee

it wasn't nice of me to constantly make fun of your piano belt. i can only deduce that i was envious of your ability to confidently express yourself. really, i think we might have had deeper rooted issues between us, but i'm willing to forget all that now if you are.

morgan

sorry i simultaneously went out with someone with your same name for a long time.

nissa

one time when we were little kids and your dad and my mom lived together, i put burs in your bed when you weren't around. it was a total prickbag move on my part. please accept this apology. i was probably jealous or some shit.

olliecat

i shouldn't have gone so far as to draft a craigslist listing for you. you scratched me up real good and i was hurt emotionally and physically. i guess i should have seen it coming. you are feral after all. sorry, brotherman.

pats (my moms)

i apologize for telling you i had a job at the post office for an entire summer during my first bout of college. when you thought i was hard at work i was usually walking through the woods or at the movies or fishing and drinking 40's.

Q?

seeing as how i don't know anyone with a name starts with 'q', i'll give this apology to the guy whose car i puked in when he picked me up hitchhiking.

ruth

i sincerely apologize (again) for the time i didn't show up to work and you had to do a 15 hour day at the age of '78.

steve stevenson

sorry i broke your father's record of never being thrown out of a bar. it was wrong of me to spit on the floor of that penalty box after the bob dylan concert. how was i to know that they would kick every one of us out?

tiredmountain

i'll never forget the time you gave me a three hour ride home from the berkshires when i was stranded out there. i'm really sorry i had no money for gas or smokes and had to compensate you in porno dvds and tapes. it really hurt to give up 'the mobster's wife'. at the time that was like this state of the art masterpiece that everyone talked about. i loved how you could switch the angles and and scenarios. still though, i really appreciate you doing that for me. i'm forever in your debt, my brother.

uncle jim

remember the time we did the vinyl siding job on canobie lake and we lost electricity because someone nailed into the central power line. i never told you this but i think it was me that banged that nail. work was suspended and everyone had to go home. there was a shit ton of people working that day and inevitably it probably set you back some big bucks. it was a saturday and it was side job money. i'm truly sorry if in fact it was me. please don't kill me.

vince

it's not nice that i describe you to people as looking like a serial killer. i'll cut that shit out. désolé

willie

sorry about the time when we were making pizzas together and i left the oven door open and you got a third degree burns on your arm.

x

got nothing for this one. sorry to you the reader. thanks for reading this.

yuri

one time we ran into one another and you pretended not to know me. i was somewhat put off by this so i deleted you from fbook. if you we can't be friends in real life, then we can be friends on the interwebs. sorry.

zoey

sorry i never called you back, but you smelt like pickles and farts.

regrettably, this is all true. i changed a few names to protect a couple of people - and myself. i can honestly tell you that i am sorry for all of this. while i have had my bouts of shittiness, i'm determined to be a much better person.

note: feel free to respond via: billyjoelfan69@gmail.com blogger seems to be having a problem with comments.

*repost

2009-12-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

i'd honestly be less offended if you blatantly picked your nose in front of me as opposed to speaking to me with white strips in.

69: the number of tears tobey maguire cries in the spider-man trilogy.

one of the better tips my father taught me: 'no matter how much money your bring into the strip club - you will spend every penny'.

i wanna grow big bushy eyebrows that wrap around my head.

(above) my new hero

yo yo ma weighs a ton.

peyton manning just passed out in my house. this is what he looks like now:
he is so mad. damn.

i wonder how many times tiger has said, 'fuck my life', in the past three weeks?

(above) have you ever wondered if willow and carrot top are related?

there's nothing i like more than watching someone execute a triumphant morning walk-of-shame.

(above) oh cool. mariah carey and my stepbrother.

there was just a little person (the 'm' word kind) behind me in line at dunkins. i felt like a real chump ordering up a box of munchkins.

(above) my friend ted just made this his fbook profile pic. damn.

it's hard to take anyone seriously when they are drinking a tall-boy of arizona iced tea.

2009-12-14T14:14:00.001-08:00

dumb shit that happened to me when i was twelve
by john ryan gallagher

my dingbat best friend took to taking his grandfather's .22 snub-nose revolver with us on our adventures. maybe this had something to do with the fact that we were watching 'new jack city' around the clock. we had that shit memorized. for the first few weeks he didn't put bullets in the piece. then one day he decided to confiscate those from his gramps too. one afternoon he loaded it up and pointed it at me as if to taunt me. looking back, i know i should have been scared, but for some reason i wasn't. this same best friend lost his virginity around that same time. he was twelve and the girl looked like a sewer rat. i can hear him saying to me, 'sex makes you so tie-yudd'. this was also the same person that thought the song was called, 'we didn't start no fire'.

one morning before the schoolbell rang, i indulged in a dip of kodiak with my white trash friends. something must have gone down the wrong shoot because all of a sudden i was puking and farting all over the place. the school nurse knew exactly what was going on. she called my moms and had her pick me up. i was totally outed. my moms was a real asshole about it. the sickness that smokeless tobacco caused my system was by far the worst sickness my body has ever encountered. i have spent years of my life abusing my body with a vast array of substances, but the pain inflicted from this one was by far the most horrific. this same shit happened to me about two years later. you would have thought that this would have turned me off dip forever, but the problem is, i'm a glutton for punishment.

somehow i got addicted to binaca. i was constantly squirting that shit into my dragon. one day i forgot to put deodorant on and for some dumb reason, i thought i had just the solution. i blasted that shit into my pits, only to feel a sudden intense burning sensation. i had to walk around with my arms outstretched like frankenstein for hours. that shit killed. nasty rash. the worst part was the shame. i think that burned more.

one afternoon i was quietly sitting on my bike in front of a friend's house, when this older dickbag pulled up, only to flip me off and tell me that my mother was 'a ho'. staring back i said, 'you're wrong, you're mother's a ho'. he over dramatically threw down his bike and charged at me. i ran but didn't make it very far. he delivered a solid blow to my face with his lame hand that was in a cast. this was the first of a few hard hits to the skull that i've taken. (note: i've won a f ew fights too. this clown had the advantage, as has he was about five years older than me.) he was basically beating on me until this old guy came and ripped him off me. it was kind of a big deal for a while, and the jackal would call and tell me that he was going to murder me. eventually he was forced to apologize. weirdly, he and i are buds now.

had my first wet dream. was afraid of my sperm. i thought that shit was toxic and that it was gonna make everyone preggers. for a while i didn't want to sleep over friends houses because i was paranoid that i was going to have one. the funny thing is, now i wish that i still had them.

2009-12-12T17:39:00.001-08:00

damn
by john ryan gallagher

so i met this guy with the same name as me last night. he was intense. in great detail he told me about the film he is in the process of making. it's about a group of friends rallying to save a friend's house that is going into foreclosure. i said, innocently, 'oh, cool, that sounds just like 'one crazy summer'. he was pissed.

the end.

2009-12-11T13:40:00.001-08:00

three embarrassments
by john ryan gallagher

a. when i was eighteen my moms took me on this bus tour of europe. every night i went out and got tanked. the next day we'd get on the bus and go to another country. it was great fun. to make a long story short, the bus would stop at all of these cool places, and we'd get out and look at a statue or a waterfall for three minutes. often times i would observe and constantly fart because i'd been doing my damnedest to keep every bit of air inside me on the bus. to put it kindly, i stunk. all i was ingesting was brown beer and weird european food. so we look at this cool monument and there i am farting away. then i realize everyone is back on the bus and ready to go. our guide basically pulled me on board mid-fart. i didn't realize that i was going to take this new gift to the world with me onto the bus and all the way down to my seat in the back, i literally disgusted EVERYONE. i don't know if you know anything about bus tours of europe, but they are a nice melting pot of all nationalities from the world. there were little old asian ladies angrily covering their faces. middle-eastern men in turbans were cursing me in arabic. my moms was disowning me. i reached my seat and did everything i could not to cry. obviously i protested that it wasn't me. there were no believers.

b. this story starts off similarly to the first one. when i was 19 my moms took me on this cool bus tour of the tetons and yellowstone. my friend dylan was living in jackson hole, so when we arrived there for the night, he and i went out and tied one on. i had to borrow his friend's i.d. so i could get into the bars. we had fun but totally struck out with the ladies. i stumbled back to the hotel and tried to go to sleep. i kept having to get up and pee because i'd drunk about 23 beers. somewhere in the routine of constantly getting up to piss and then going back to bed - i fell asleep. one of the next times of getting up to go, something told me it was a good idea to leave the hotel room and relieve myself outside. not sure if this counts as sleep walking or not, i vaguely remember wringing out the mitten on a cement walkway twenty yards from our room. i hobbled back and barreled full force into my room and started getting back into my bed. big problem. wrong room. there was an old ass lady in my bed. her husband jumped up in his boxers from the bed beside her and began screaming at me. 'son, this is OUR room'. 'OUR room'. he had a southern accent. somehow i managed to make it back to my room and conk out. it's all still a blur. i woke up the next morning with zero recollection of this disaster. i casually strolled into breakfast where the rest of our tour group was eating quietly. two bites into my rice crispies it all came back to me. then i realized the truly bad part... the people whose room i had invaded were on our bus tour and eating no more than twelve feet away from me. i looked over and they were pretending as if i didn't exist. i could feel all eyes on me and i could tell they had told EVERYONE. a word was never mentioned about the incident, but i remained grey for the next three days.

(post-script) in all the confusion i went home with the i.d. that belonged to dylan's friend. he called me at the hotel that fateful morning and asked me to please leave it in an envelope at the desk. i told him, 'no problem'. i went down to the desk and flirted with the notion of giving the license back. then i said, 'fuck it', and left a note in an envelope that said, 'hey dylan, thanks again for last night. get busy living, or get busy dying' - J.R. i was into that 'shawshank' shit at the time. he was way pissed. i used the i.d. the rest of my trip.

c. i had these cool neighbors that went on vacation one summer and had me house-sit their crib. first, you have to ask yourself, 'what in the fuck were this lot thinking'? we literally partied there every night for two weeks. everything that they had in the way of booze was long consumed by night three. nice bottles of wine from their wedding*, weird liqueurs you'd never image anyone could drink, all of their alcohol - everything. naturally, they came home early. there were used condoms on their stereo. i'd lost the keys. the plants were dead. the old ass cat was missing. on a scale of one to ten, they were only pissed about a six. i've always respected them for that. still, i've never been able to look them in the eye.

these are just three of the nine hundred and four reasons why i abstain from the sauce.

*i had fully intended to replace these bottles of wine. i was naive and thought i could go to any wine shop and grab these vino treasures. needless to say, that never happened.

2009-12-10T16:21:00.000-08:00

random pics from the semester 001-020
by john ryan gallagher

2009-12-09T17:34:00.001-08:00

five bad decisions
by john ryan gallagher

a. one hot summer night i wanted to get home from my friend tom's house. i was staring into a drunken, lonely, three mile walk in the dark. there was this house with twenty bikes in front of it. i stole one and rode it for a while but the seat was just too high. ditched the bike and stuck out my thumb. minutes later this seemingly normal dude in a volvo picked me up. he gave me smokes and we shot the shit. the closer we got to my house the weirder he got. he suggested we just cruise for a while. this was not on my itinerary. he tightly put a grip on my thigh and informed me that he gave great head. i started screaming and demanded to be let out. i must have been pretty scary because the guy pulled right over. i ran into the woods, hid under a tree, and started crying.

b. i got biblically drunk at a work party the night of the ravens/giants superbowl. there was this scary troll of a sous-chef that offered me a ride home. he was probably the most white trash person i have ever met. (don't worry, this story isn't going where you think it's going.) in my state of mind i didn't realize that he was three sheets to the wind. blocks from the party we were pulled over. he got busted and they started grilling me with questions. i told them nothing but lies, gave them a fake name, and even said that my inbread driver was my god-father. wtf? they placed me in protective custody. i refused my one phone call and was put into a cell where instantly i decided that i needed a cigarette. i threw a shitfit and they gave me my call. next i dialed my moms and asked her to spring me. i told her the wrong police station. i didn't realize i was in the wrong town. my bad. she was pissed.

c. one time when i was eleven i went to my cousin andrew's tenth birthday party*. it was with all of his friends and they were spoiled (little) boxford rich boys. anyway, andrew pitched a tennis ball into my nuts at about 95 mph. it hit me dead on. i went to my knees. they all laughed at me. it was some of the most pain i have ever been in. there was no way to mask it either. i cupped my sack and ran into a bathroom to assess the damage. not sure if i have ever felt more lonely than i did when i was in that john looking at my junk.

d. it was the last week of june '97. i had enough money to buy one cd. the two that i was trying decide between were 'ok computer', and 'fat of the land'. i bought 'fat of the land'. this was similar to the time i aided in my mom's (bad) decision to buy a beta-max-vcr instead of a vhs one. two mammoth fails on the face of a lifetime. 'ok computer' has aged like a fine wine. 'fat of the land' sounds like dog the bounty hunter's ass.

e. when i was twelve i went looking for the biggest hill i could find to skateboard down. it was discovered balls-deep in groveland, massachusetts. climbing up it felt like climbing a mountain. don't think i even thought about consequences. dropped the board and started rolling. pretty soon i got going so fast that the board started to shake. eventually i was ejected. i soared through the air and crash landed on new pavement. these fat people saw the whole thing and laughed at me like i was a circus side-show. for a few minutes i wasn't sure if i was dead or not. then i farted. i was alive.

*the bad decision in question was attending the party. sitting there with ice on my nuts i remember saying out loud to myself, 'why in the fuck did i come to this shit-show?'
(repeat post)

2009-12-08T11:38:00.001-08:00

ten ways that beverly hills cop could have been cooler
by john ryan gallagher

1. why does bhc open with a depressing montage of how shitty detroit is? after all, isn't it beverly hills that we're talking about? i say we skip all of that. it takes too long to get to eddie! 'trading places' does that too.

2. beverly hills cop is one of my all time favorite movies. one major problem that the film has is its very anti-climactic ending. it deserves more of an action-packed conclusion. originally stallone was to play axel foley. he wound up walking away from the project when budget restraints led to more funny, less action. you know that if he were axel, this joint would have ended with a fucking bomb! (note - stallone actually made this movie a few years later as 'cobra'. i watched that shit with my grandmother in '89 and she cried.)

3. more bronson pinchot. he has one and a half scenes. that is not enough. can't believe they brought his character back in bhc3. that movie sucks.

4. it's a tad silly and convenient that a strip club gets robbed right when they go to it. they should have found a more clever way to utilize nudity and action, mid picture.

5. bhc is unconventional in that it does not have a love story element. in the original script, jenny was to play axel's love interest. naturally, because he was black, and she's white, paramount didn't go for that. it might have been cool if they had had a sweet sex scene in a shower or something.

6. eric roberts should have played michael tandino instead of james russo.

7. there's a terribly boring scene where these two truck drivers have this homophobic conversation that offers nothing to the story or movie. it's literally a waste of two minutes of screen time. let's have them say something of merit, or cut this fucking scene.

(note - bhc is riddled with homobashing: damon wayans, this scene, balky's scenes, judge reinhold, etc. they even have the villain play a homosexual.)

8. i've never been an advocate for bhc2. i love the part when he steals the house, and i love the guy that played the painter in murphy brown. his name was robert pastorelli and he is dead now. what if we brought him into bhc1? he rules!

9. better music. i love 'heat is on' and the vanity 6 song (why isn't this song on the soundtrack?) that they play in the strip club. 'axel f.' is rad too. the rest of the music is crap. too much patti labelle and pointer sisters crap. go home with ya bad self shalamar. i think this movie might have called for a tight kenny loggins track.

10. director marty brest ended up directing this after winning a coin toss. i say we go back in time, have him lose the coin toss, and have someone else direct this. brest went on to direct 'gigli'. walter hill ('48 hours', 'the warriors') should have made this movie.

.

2009-12-07T04:41:00.000-08:00

hoop dreams
by john ryan gallagher

part one

when i was a dumb little boy, i collected garbage pail kids cards, studied the police academy movies, and wanted to be in the nba.

people would always tell me that i could be anything in life i wanted, so i told them i would be a professional basketball player when i grew up.

i constantly shot hoops and fantasized about getting my own sneaker line.

somewhere around the time i was ten or eleven i realized that no matter how hard i tried, i could never be in the nba.

let's face it, i'm short, white, and fundamentally lazy. i also have bad coordination, a terrible attention span, and a deep-rooted resentment toward any sort of authority.

i never would have lasted a week with any sort of coach.

but it wasn't so much that i was mad that i couldn't be in the nba, as i was mad at the people who told me i could be anything in life that i wanted.

why would you go and tell a kid something like that? santa claus is one thing, but this is just downright cruel.

it was just another lesson that reiterates the fact that the majority of the population is full of shit... even your parents.

part two

right before i figured all that out i went to this weird basketball camp that sucked.

it was right at the beginning of the summer and instead of trolling the neighborhood and looking for trouble, or obsessively re-watching episodes of 'perfect strangers' and 'just the ten of us' that i had taped from 'tgif', i was stuck sweating in a gym with a bunch of bros who were taking this thing way too seriously.

when the camp started out, they broke us into these groups based on our athletic ability. naturally, i was a top draft choice for the shit squad.

i ran around with these clowns, aimlessly being taught techniques we would never be able to utilize, let alone care about. we were all merely going through the motions.

a few days went by and we were in the middle of this lay-up workshop and one of the other dudes in our group just couldn't seem to sink these.

i have always been able to hit the lay-up because i found the sweet spot on one of those lame, depressing, lonely afternoons that i spent in the street shooting balls at my hoop.

whenever there is a shortcut or a cheat, you can bet the house that i will find it.

but this other kid didn't have a clue, and the coach grew increasingly frustrated and angry with him.

he called on others to watch the kid's consistently failed efforts.

then he started saying things like, 'if you don't make this shot, i'm going to kick your ass'.

he missed.

'if you don't get it in this time, i'm going to kick your ass so hard my foot goes up into your ass'.

miss.

'you got one more chance. if you don't make this one, i'm going to kick my foot up your ass so far that shit comes out your eyes'.

miss.

it went on and on, even getting worse and more graphic. i got these horrible visuals of this acutally happening. shit literally excreting from the kid's eyes... he then made verbal threats against the kid's parents and siblings. it was really weird.

i'll admit at first this was humorous to me, as it was the rest of the other nine year olds in our camp. but then i realized it probably wasn't very funny to the kid being verbally beat-down and threatened.

what if i hadn't learned that lame trick and i was the one he was talking to like that?

who talks to kids like that?

this day and age you would be fired and probably put on a list. back then it wasn't really a big deal.

i don't think i've ever been as happy as i was when that camp ended. nearly two thirds of all of the kids that attended the camp received trophies at a final awards ceremony.

not me. still to this day, i have never received a trophy or any sort of award*.

walking home that day i realized i wouldn't be in the nba.

that was okay....

*when i was about eleven or twelve, i told my father how i had never won a trophy. the next morning when i woke up, there was a striking trophy next to my bed. it said, 'number one son'.

2009-12-06T12:03:00.001-08:00

honest answers to common job interview questions
by john ryan gallagher

1. tell me about yourself:

i grew up fast on a steady diet of mtv. i watch about three movies a day. i can name every song billy joel has ever released. sometimes i am unreliable. sometimes i am moody. i have dabbled in substance abuse, paint-by-number, and songwriting. i have held jobs in retail, offices, carpentry, landscaping, food serving, charitable organizations, bartending, and sales - none of which i was exceptional at. i am a hard worker when my attention span allows me to be.

2. what irritates you about coworkers?

it really bothers me when people fart, and/or talk down to me. i would prefer it if they had their own cigarettes too.

3. what is your greatest strength?

making mix cds.

4. tell me about your dream job :

it would probably involve discussing 80's movies with attractive people. my work vehicle would be an escalade that the company paid for. days would start around four pm. summers, weekends, and a couple weeks off each year. i would prefer to have the vacations not align with school vacations. i would have my own office with a private bathroom that was very clean. the job would involve traveling (first class) and getting to stay in nice hotels where i can watch anything on pay per view that i want.

5. what has disappointed you about a job?

i really don't mind going to work. being around people is something i love. sometimes the work part sucks, though.

6. what have you learned from mistakes on the job?

hmmm... don't puff the reefer with anyone with a rat tail. this guy and i shared a j' once and two minutes later he put his foot through a french door and bled everywhere. i was totally freaked and he refused to go to the hospital. it wasn't so much that i was afraid he was going to bleed to death. i was more scared that i was going to come into contact with his weird blood and die myself. when our boss came back from lunch he lost his shit.

7. what qualities do you look for in a boss?

someone who isn't around very much. when they are they are fun and lively. i'd like them to be more of a friend then a 'boss' per say. it would be nice if they weren't on my case or very demanding.

8. tell me about a time when you helped resolve a dispute between others :

one time my two best friends were fighting to the death in the boston common. there were spectators cheering on. conflict used to scare me back then. i really didn't know what to do. i shouted that the cops were coming (they weren't) and the three of us scrambled and ran into the night. a few minutes later they made up and that was that.

9. describe your work ethic :

i inherited a solid work ethic through both of my parents. as previously mentioned, my concentration can be a bitch. it can get to the point where i forget to remember what i'm trying not to concentrate on. wait, it can get to a point where i forget what i'm concentrating on, while not concentrating on something that i'm supposed to be concentrating on. did that make sense? sometimes it's a blessing.

10. do you have any questions for me?

are you going to get mad if i just kinda surf the internet some days? how many times can i call in sick before you give me 'the talk'?

2009-12-03T12:03:00.000-08:00

seven monster ball questions
by john ryan gallagher

I. is seeing lady gaga perform at the wang theater just eight days after the release of 'monster' comparable to seeing madonna during her 'like a virgin' breakthrough tour in '85?

some reasons why and why not: the virgin tour only boasted 13 songs a show, whereas 'the monster ball' offered 19. madonna's opening act was 'the beastie boys'. gaga had 'kid (lame) cudi'. both tours offered four number one singles from their creators; however, if 'bad romance' goes to number one, that will give lady gaga the edge with five. there's also the abilty for gaga to have even more number ones before this tour comes anywhere near to an end. note: 'the virgin tour' was in support of madonna's first two albums, 'madonna' and 'like a virgin'. lady gaga had four number ones on one album ('the fame') in a shorter period of time than any other female artist has ever had.

II. why was she so late in taking to the stage? they literally killed the lights for the show to begin - only to turn them back on again. a spokeswoman from her camp came out and said she was delayed because she was waiting to take in the results of the grammy nominations. craig seems to think that this was a front for a technical issue that was being resolved. it seems selfish for one person to hold several thousand people up because he or she is waiting for news to be announced that he or she (presumably) already knew about. what's the real story here?

III. prior to performing the show's finale ('bad romance'), lady gaga mentions an earlier episode in her career where she played her record to an exec. who told her the album contained four number one singles. she then announced how she played him one more, that being 'bad romance'. did gaga and company keep this in their back pocket all along? it would have been brilliant on their part if they did. guns n' roses did something similar by intentionally keeping 'don't cry' off 'appetite for destruction'. in an interview with kurt loder in '91, axl even used the expression, 'ace in the pocket'. 'the fame' is chock full of hits. i wonder if this executive knew specifically which four songs would be the number ones. i can see how he might have mistaken 'summerboy' for a number one over a song like 'love game'.

IV. exiting the wang theater, i almost walked right into that 'save jesus' guy. upon seeing him, i said to some strangers, 'well, you know it's a party when that guy shows up'. but really, how does this guy always know where and when to go out and hit up the kids? does anyone know this guy's story?

V. who in my general vicinity kept farting? seriously. i'm pretty sure it wasn't jenny, craig, me, or blythe. i don't want to think it was the awesome women next to us, who, consequently, together would have both drunk my father under the table on a good day - and also left to pee more times than the audience responded with outrageous bouts of applause toward gaga. our entire area smelt like billy joel's taint after an eight ball and a big steak dinner. nasty.

VI. dear parents, why would you ever take your six and seven year old kids to this performance? at various points throughout the show you saw moms and dads running from the premises with hands over their children's eyes. nucking futs.

VII. look, i loved the show and almost everything about it. it was easily one of the best concerts i have ever been to. but i was a tad disappointed with her overall displays of self-praise and self-worship. she was very humble and appreciative of her fans, but it seemed a tad too much for her to keep jerking herself off like that. no one else seemed to care, and i'm left to wonder if we accept and appreciate this, given her current success and social status. look at it this way, if we went and saw mariah carey last night and she went on and on about her grammys and her number one songs and how great she was, wouldn't we tell her to go shit in a hat?

if you missed the show last night, i suggest trying to see her at mohegan sun in january.

note: comments are down with blogger. please feel free to respond via: billyjoelfan69@gmail.com. thank you so much for reading!

2009-12-01T14:33:00.001-08:00

boners
by john ryan gallagher with help from sarina nasty

first boner

i'm pretty sure mine had some sort of nell carter affiliation. don't worry, i recognize that this is a bit off-putting. i hadn't thought about this until about a year ago when i was watching 'gone with the wind' and the scene where mammy is tying scarlett's corset reminded me of this. i've asked about nine people if they interpreted any sexual undercurrents in this scene. the responses were pretty much split down the middle. this isn't to say that i was aroused by scarlett and mammy. i was just curious if others were.

vulneraboner

this is when one is feeling vulnerable and then gets oddly aroused. sarina nasty (no affiliation to black or pink nasty - yet all three are from the wheat state) introduced me to this one.

sad boner

i hate to break it to you, but this probably doesn't exist. while sarina is a firm believer in the fact that any intense emotion can spur a bone, i can't say that i've ever experienced this phenomenon. it was a flat out lie when i said that 'weekend at bernies II' gave me a sad boner. i was just saying that for attention. it did, however, make me sad. how could andrew mccarthy and jonathan silverman go from having such amazing screen chemistry to looking like absolute shit together. mccarthy claims he was so strung out on coke that he doesn't even remember making this movie. good excuse, dude. good excuse.

road boner

my friend linc says he gets these a lot. he is always behind the wheel. i was in the car with him a lot over the summer. i'd hate to find out that on one of these occasions he was sporting wood.

uncomfortaboner

long lasting erection that won't go away. roll over and it hurts. walk around and it hurts in your pants.

half boner

this happens when you drink too much or try to have sex three times in one hour.

piss boner

black nasty introduced me to this term on his new joint. i was thrilled to finally have someone finally speak out about this affliction that affects so many of us.

scared boner

unlike the sad boner, there's actually some truth to this one. i thought this was something that died out somewhere around the age of nine, but low and behold, that shit still happens.

work boner

you're sitting at your dumb little desk and all of a sudden a little friend says, 'hello'. he's bored, like you. you two hang out and eventually he may transform himself to an uncomfortaboner.

the last boner

i was out of boners but wanted to at least reach ten. came close to inventing a billy joel boner - one that is short lived and happens only once in every six years.

for a good time visit: http://www.awkwardboners.com/

2009-11-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

ten whack terms my father uses*
by john ryan gallagher

I. beat the bishop = masturbate

ex: 'i had this friend kevin who used to beat the bishop seven times a day'.

II. ring out the mitten = urinate

ex: 'we need to find tha pissah because i need to ring out the mitten'.

III. shitgun = fictional weapon used to assasinate douchers

ex: '_____ should be shot with a shitgun and hung for stinking'.

IV. bit the berry = die

ex: 'your grandmother's friend marybeth bit the berry. she was old as shit'.

V. shithoused = wasted, nuked, drunk, or smashed

ex: 'man, was i shithoused last night'.

VI. carrot = penis

ex: 'dress warmly or you'll freeze your carrot off'.

VII. russian handgun = liter of vodka

ex: 'michael just took a big blast from his russian handgun. watch out!'

VIII. bible-thumper = someone who wears their religion on their sleeve

ex: 'j. ahhhhhh - watch out for those bible thumpers.'

IX. 'valdez' = any automobile that he or i own that leaks oil

ex: 'i'll come get you in the valdez and we'll go put minutes on our phones'.

X. 'dryballs' = a. someone who sucks b. a person lacking in experience (hence the lack of moisture on their testicles)

ex: 'that guy martin is a real dry balls. the last time he got a piece of ass was when his fingers broke through the toilet paper'.

.

2009-11-30T07:39:00.001-08:00

ten more whack terms my father uses
by john ryan gallagher

two bagger = very unattractive female

'she's so ugly you need two bags to sleep with her. one to cover her head and one for your own... just in case hers breaks.'

panther piss = terrible tasting beverage

'that vitamin water you kids drink tastes like panther piss.'

5 x 5 = someone who is short and fat

think: roseanne, 'hooks' from 'police academy' (note: she literally is 5' tall), santa, etc.

'stranger than snakeshit' = something oddly irregular

'that guy jim on 'taxi' was stranger than snakeshit'.

raped ape = a person suddenly experiencing a form of rage or excitement

'wes welker took off up the middle like a raped ape.'

upholstered rat = lap dog

'don't ask my why anyone would want one of those little dogs. they look like upholstered rats.'

'shit in your hat' = go fuck yourself

'the city of lynn can go shit in it's hat. get me out of this place.'

drop a rose = to flatulate

'who dropped that rose? i can taste it.'

shitflick = a bad movie

pretty much any film besides, 'caddyshack', 'the departed', 'fletch, 'weekend at bernies', 'the dream team', 'my blue heaven', or 'the ref' (which he and i saw in the theater three times).

drug dealer phone = prepaid wireless calling device

'let me call you right back. i'm running out of minutes.'

.

2009-11-26T07:58:00.000-08:00

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

is a 'singapore sling' really just code-speak for a dirty thong?

maybe if the girl next to me realized it was time to retire the flip-flops for the year, i wouldn't be forced to endure this scent of sewer.

how did that chick from ace of base see the sign if her eyes were closed?

three different fbook friends took a quiz to find out which dave mathew's band song they were. hide hide hide.

i'm angry with my friend matt for not establishing wider boundaries with his fiance. i've taken to calling her: 'the dick whisperer'.

i hate the dry wispy hairs that hang down in front of sandra bullock's face throughout the first thirty minutes of 'miss congeniality one'.

over the past few days i've dedicated entirely too much brainpower trying to understand why james franco is on general hospital now.

just got the 'fame monster' off of itunes and even though it says 'explicit' - all the swears are gone. i'm really pissed. i love swears.

if you make a new friend and then discover that they're prone to recurring bouts of bad luck - my advice is to run.

i like to picture patrick dempsey walking off the set of 'can't buy me love' and
saying with a smile, 'see you clowns in 15 years'.

i bought another copy of aerosmith 'rocks' for a buck today. there is evidence of some serious 70's coke use on the jacket. shoulda been 2$.

i've been dying to ask my biology professor why pubes grow in curls - except in the east.

so your dad dressed up as santa and got stuck in the chimney and died. big deal.

still can't believe they haven't come up with a new name for their calzones at pizza hut. how's your p'zone?

i'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you're probably a little confused if you are singing along to your headphones in public.

this girl in my first class just showed everyone a dick pic her ex-boyfriend sent her last night. weird on all accounts and also slimy. it looked like jeff goldblum... not like jeff goldblum's penis - but the penis itself looked like jeff goldblum.

2009-11-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

2009-11-19T17:43:00.000-08:00

hott cutts
by john ryan gallagher

click me: http://bit.ly/11wT4b

memory tapes, french horn rebellion, heartsrevolution, la roux, fenech soler, andy gibb, future islands, holy ghost, etc.